shitmydadsays

August 29, 2009 1:07 PM

The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.

Justin posts stuff that his 73-year-old dad says on Twitter.
posted by Foci for Analysis (72 comments total)

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."


aaaaand "follow"
posted by EatTheWeek at 1:10 PM on August 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

I love this feed.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:11 PM on August 29, 2009

If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it.

So - I could own this thread?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:13 PM on August 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

Only if you're the only one.
posted by darkstar at 1:16 PM on August 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

I declare this thread for America! *shit shit shit*

Also, this twitter is incredible.
posted by America at 1:17 PM on August 29, 2009

"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."

There he is: our AskMe should-I-eat-this? oracle. With microscopic fucking eyes.
posted by maudlin at 1:18 PM on August 29, 2009 [16 favorites]

Hmm, the only one he's following is LeVar Burton. I'm guessing his dad wouldn't have good things to say about Reading Rainbow (RIP!).
posted by artifarce at 1:21 PM on August 29, 2009

Aw, maudlin beat me to it - I was this close to gifting the dude an account.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:23 PM on August 29, 2009

I love this feed; added it to my RSS reader a week ago -- it's a daily delight, all the more so because it's single serving funny and surrounded on all sides by things I feel like I should read but don't.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:24 PM on August 29, 2009

I want Justin's dad to meet Margret. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
posted by maudlin at 1:29 PM on August 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

I have a total internet crush on Justin's dad. Somebody give him a MeFi account so I can spouse him already.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:32 PM on August 29, 2009

christ, what an asshole
posted by bitteroldman at 1:33 PM on August 29, 2009

_{I know, epony-whatever.
Now git off my lawn, you damn punk-ass kids}
posted by bitteroldman at 1:34 PM on August 29, 2009

This is awesome! My grandma used to talk like this. She was your beer-and-smokes type of grandma, and said "bass-ackwards" a lot.
posted by shinyshiny at 1:34 PM on August 29, 2009

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."

You and me both.
posted by absalom at 1:37 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

I showed this feed to my boys. They were begging me not to become like Justin's dad one day. I told them, "Man up. Lift your skirt, strap on a a set because I take the big shits around here."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:40 PM on August 29, 2009 [6 favorites]

Reminds me a lot of Duplex Planet.
posted by scratch at 1:44 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."

We "volunteer" to be there for you when you throw up for the first time - TN
posted by nola at 1:47 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

I dont need no damn internets. Go get your own fucking internets if you what them. What you do in there is bullshit anyway.
posted by shockingbluamp at 1:48 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Shit my dad said:

Son, your life is a bucket of shit and you're splashing it on your mother and me.

(while being wheeled off for a quadruple-bypass) Can y'all make my dick bigger while you're at it?

'Cultural anthropology'? What the fuck is that? You gonna learn how to wipe your ass in seven languages or something?

Where'd you learn that? Some fucking book?

Ice. Ice! ICE! Bourbon needs ice! Where am I, Mexico?

(while smoking his first joint at age 70) I hope this shit don't turn me into a goddamn hippie.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:49 PM on August 29, 2009 [109 favorites]

I real live LOL'd out loud at:

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
posted by Nomiconic at 1:51 PM on August 29, 2009 [8 favorites]

Between this dude, BOP's dad and the Ed Abbey book I was reading earlier I've had my exact daily requirement of cranky brilliance, good job everybody.
posted by Divine_Wino at 2:13 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

i am one of those who usually hates twitter. but my god, this twitter feed is fucking brilliant.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:16 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh man, this reminds me of my dad so much, and the stories they tell about my grandfather and great-grandfather on his side.

"Don't shit me, kid, I got a turd in every pocket."

"I was shaking like a dog passing a peach pit."

To an obvious question: "Is a frog waterproof?"

Regarding a fat kid: "That boy looks like he knows what to do with a biscuit."

On hearing that my parents were considering adoption, my Papaw said, "No, don't you get no off-brand sonofabitch."

And so on. The funniest ones are of course the ones we can't share.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:35 PM on August 29, 2009 [30 favorites]

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog."

Loved that one as well. It's like he's channeling Walker Percy: Why is it no other species but man gets bored? Under the circumstances in which a man gets bored, a dog goes to sleep.
posted by JohnFredra at 2:43 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

So THIS is what twitter is for. I was wondering.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:45 PM on August 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

Awesome find. "Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni, (my mom) it's a joke! I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real, dammit!"
posted by porn in the woods at 2:48 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

I am going to change my greeting to this. It is much more accurate than what I'm using at the moment.
posted by interiority at 2:49 PM on August 29, 2009 [14 favorites]

Yeah, the Rubix Cube line was Tarantino-quality.
posted by Kirklander at 2:55 PM on August 29, 2009

For some reason this is making me inexplicably sad. I think I'm gonna go lie face down on the couch for a while.
posted by The Whelk at 3:20 PM on August 29, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm now following exactly four people on twitter... this guy is one of them.....

great stuff!
posted by HuronBob at 3:33 PM on August 29, 2009

Son, your life is a bucket of shit and you're splashing it on your mother and me.

This is pure genius.

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog."

This I read that it can't be bored when it is a special breed of dog that fucks all day not just a god damned dawg.

Great stuff. Who is this Twitter fella with the funny website?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:35 PM on August 29, 2009

"if you want an inside dog get your own inside" makes me want to have a kid who can grow up and complain about my outside dog just so I can use this line.
posted by Space Coyote at 3:36 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

The most common ones form my 82-yr-old stepdad are along the lines of "As useless as tits on a boar." They're quaint and evocative of an earlier time, but widely known.

One he uses, though, in response to growing frustration when he's having difficulty fitting two things together (e.g., every time he uses a seat buckle):

"Put some hair around that hole and I could find it."
posted by darkstar at 3:44 PM on August 29, 2009 [9 favorites]

To an obvious question: "Is a frog waterproof?"

My dad's version: "Does the Pope wear pantyhose?" Which I guess gets extra props for anti-Catholic bigotry/possible gay slurs.

My favorite dad remark, ever, was one day when he was watching the Cowboys during the Randy White era and hollered from his recliner "Randy White, YOU DUMB MORMON!!" I still don't know why that's funny, but my god. It was.
posted by emjaybee at 3:47 PM on August 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

This may be the only twitter feed as awesome as HOBODARKSEID. I do not say this lightly.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:08 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Love this Twitter feed. It must be a wonderful detox for the son to share his dad's sourpuss absurdity.

Adding Sayings of the Jewish Buddha into the mischief.
posted by nickyskye at 4:22 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."

I see he's found YouTube.
posted by Spatch at 4:36 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Fabulous. Not sure I'd want to live with him though. Were I this Justin person, I would leverage this Twitter feed into a book deal, make a pile of cash, and move out.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 4:40 PM on August 29, 2009

For more examples of people using Twitter correctly*, see Favrd.

* Incorrect use of Twitter includes following celebrities talk about their food, or anything to do with CNN.
posted by amuseDetachment at 4:44 PM on August 29, 2009

Gotta say, rotten old people are more entertaining when you’ll never meet them.
posted by stilist at 5:04 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yet again, I want to post something and someone beats me. Which is to say, this is awesome.

I could really start my own version of this, but it would be mostly insane things about Jesus. Toilets are way funnier.

Also, I'm totally with Justin's dad on this one:

iWhy would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:09 PM on August 29, 2009

Sounds like your dad is one of the sad 'gap' generation: young enough for rock but too old for pot.

Have another drink, granpa. And another.
posted by hexatron at 5:29 PM on August 29, 2009

Following God.

Not as a follower per se.
posted by pianomover at 5:50 PM on August 29, 2009

BOP, my dad's pet name for me was 'numbnuts.' As in 'Hey numbnuts, it's time for dinner,' or 'do your homework, numbnuts!'* (for best results, imagine a combination of a black irish clint eastwood and Red from That Seventies Show). I remember at my sister's wedding a decade ago my dad was half in the bag and feeling effusive about his kids and said something nice about me to my wife and she answered 'so, why'd you call him numbnuts?" "I did that? [pause to think] Oh yeah I did, didn't I?"

Fathers are fun.
posted by jonmc at 6:02 PM on August 29, 2009

*I did kind of get off easy, though. according to my dad's sister, if grandpamc didn't like what you said at the dinner table he'd 'throw a fork at you.' so i should count my blessings.
posted by jonmc at 6:05 PM on August 29, 2009

My own father said inane stuff like this, too. He's dead now. I don't miss it.
posted by briank at 6:10 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

"As useless as tits on a boar."

Yeah, my mum had a pile of these, too. 'Happy as a dog with two dicks' was one. 'Fur coat and no knickers' was another. After a particularly rough night on the ale, my father was invariably pronounced to be 'The colour of boiled shite'.

And when did we stop pronouncing the word 'hoo-er' and start pronouncing it 'hor'?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:44 PM on August 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

SLTP

single link twit post
posted by shownomercy at 7:16 PM on August 29, 2009

I found this yesterday and raised a glass to my grandpa, who would have made damn fine Twitter fodder.

Also enjoy TheBloggess on Twitter.
posted by jeanmari at 8:09 PM on August 29, 2009

It cracks me up, pretty much every day.
posted by jerseygirl at 10:16 PM on August 29, 2009

The most common ones form my 82-yr-old stepdad are along the lines of "As useless as tits on a boar." They're quaint and evocative of an earlier time, but widely known.

Ha! I almost made the same comment. My dad to this day still says, frequently, and about most people, though usually after leaving Walmart, "That guy there is as useless as tits on a boar!"

Though I always wondered, if a boar did in fact have tits, couldn't he nurse his offspring just the same?
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:41 PM on August 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

My grandfather tells a lot of crazy stories, but they're never vulgar and rarely mean, and he never says anything in fewer than 140 charachters. A while back, I thought about taking a recorder when I go to see him, and transcribing the stuff he says to a blog. I also thought about taking him to the Story Corp trailer. Hmmm.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 5:41 AM on August 30, 2009

if a boar did in fact have tits, couldn't he nurse his offspring just the same?

Boars do have tits, but like mine, and presumably, your own, they do not emit milk. 'As useless as tits on a man' was probably deemed too misandric.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:59 AM on August 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

jonmc: BOP, my dad's pet name for me was 'numbnuts.'

My mom (the youngest in her family) and I got yelled at by her oldest sister for running around said older sister's house calling each other "asspirates." (Apparently we weren't being ladylike enough).

My mom and I have a very special relationship.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:46 AM on August 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

I don't quite grok HOBODARKSEID, but HolyGod is sorta funny...
posted by mrgrimm at 10:02 AM on August 30, 2009

My grandfather tells a lot of crazy stories, but they're never vulgar and rarely mean, and he never says anything in fewer than 140 charachters. A while back, I thought about taking a recorder when I go to see him, and transcribing the stuff he says to a blog. I also thought about taking him to the Story Corp trailer.

You should write a book! (I can't tell you how many posters have claimed they'll buy Justin's dad's book ... bah.)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:04 AM on August 30, 2009

A partial derail, regarding boars and tits:

In pig farming, sows/gilts (female pigs) have to have at least 14 teats by today's standards to be considered acceptable for breeding. Since the number of teats is a hereditary trait, a large amount of attention is paid to the number of teats on both the dam sow and the sire boar. Male piglets with fewer than 14 teats are considered inappropriate for breeding and will most likely be castrated and slaughtered. Thus, for a male pig to have gotten to breeding age without being castrated (which is the definition of a boar), odds are it had it teats counted at some point.

So, yeah, tits on a boar actually are quite important.
posted by internet!Hannah at 12:05 PM on August 30, 2009 [19 favorites]

the version i'm familar with is "as useless as tits on a bull"
posted by pyramid termite at 1:57 PM on August 30, 2009

Adding to the fray of shit our dads have said:

"If that woman was half as good at getting a car loan as she is at growing facial hair, we'd be in business."
posted by ferdinandcc at 4:28 PM on August 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

This has nothing to do with cantankerous dads, but everything to do with great Twitter accounts:

"I'm walking around in my boxers and my mother asks, Did your penis get bigger? and my sisters giggle and my dad's in the corner playing Lego"
—Arjun Basu
posted by ferdinandcc at 7:34 PM on August 30, 2009

Some of the variations I have heard are as useless as tits on a nun, a soap submarine, an ashtray on a motorbike and a chocolate fireguard.

I am sure there are several more suggestions you can throw into the mix.
posted by longbaugh at 1:20 AM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

My mother was the first person to call me a "son of a bitch". My father (whom I resemble physically) once said to me "Fuck you and everyone who looks like you."

*sigh*

I'm visiting them for the first time in 16 years next week.
posted by grubi at 6:39 AM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ha! One time, in the middle of giving my son a hard time about something, I dropped my coffee, and upset enough to forget to self-censor, said "Son of a bitch!"
He said, "Yes?"
posted by Methylviolet at 12:57 PM on September 1, 2009

Boars do have tits, but like mine, and presumably, your own, they do not emit milk. 'As useless as tits on a man' was probably deemed too misandric.

Ha! Yes, I stand quite corrected. I was thinking if you put useful tits on a boar...but that's not what it means at all...
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:50 PM on September 1, 2009

And might I say that discussing the uselessness/usefulness of tits on boars (and other things) is arguable one of the better derails.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:51 PM on September 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

The LA Times weighs in.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:12 AM on September 2, 2009

"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

damn, you know, this just keeps getting better
posted by pyramid termite at 8:55 PM on September 3, 2009

Frankly, if I were attacked by a testicle, I would be freaked right the fuck out.

Think about it.
posted by darkstar at 2:04 PM on September 4, 2009

My father has a habit of saying bizarro things to any boy that I might bring around. He has science-guy crazy eyebrows that you've gotta picture while you hear him saying:

"Guns are so cool. It's like you can just reach out and touch something really far away."

Yeah, Pops. Touch it. Is that why you put a laser sight on the pellet gun so you could take out those starlings? Just give 'em a little pat.
posted by lauranesson at 4:37 PM on September 4, 2009

From the LA Times article: "We should preface this story with a disclaimer: Justin and his dad use profane language. A lot of it. In fact, the very name of the Twitter page Justin runs contains a word synonymous with human waste that is unsuitable for a family publication."

Christ, can American culture get any prissier? Anywhere else, they'd skip the puerile winking and just print the name of the fucking blog.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:45 AM on September 8, 2009

We have very delicate sensibilities.

Now if you'll pardon me Jon and Kate are mud-wrestling on Fox, and I have a bag of Doritos I'm going to wear on my head.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:52 AM on September 8, 2009 [1 favorite]