The more, the merrier?

April 28, 2010 11:21 AM

The Expansionist Party of the United States ("XP") is a "small, international organization founded over the telephone February 19, 1977 by two gay men in two different boros of New York City." (One of the founders is L. Craig Schoonmaker, known to some as the guiding spirit of Homosexuals Intransigent!.) XP's mission: "to enlarge the United States geographically." First step: Welcoming Canada Home.

Canada could come on board as seven states and one territory, suggests one XPer. Somehow I don't think the Quebecois will be very enthusiastic about the plan... or will they?

posted by GrammarMoses (60 comments total)

Non merci.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 11:22 AM on April 28, 2010

I love that the Star of Chaos is apparently their logo.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:23 AM on April 28, 2010 [5 favorites]

The Northeast US in particular could use the lebensraum.
posted by DU at 11:23 AM on April 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

Expansionist sucks all you get is like a +2 health bonus to your 5 largest cities. Call me when there's an Industrious/Financial Party.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:29 AM on April 28, 2010 [23 favorites]

I suspect this is a lark or a troll, as none of the links I tried seemed to be real pages. But to respond succinctly to the idea: DO NOT WANT.

And as the flea said to the elephant after making love, 'I hope I didn't hurt you.'
posted by Hardcore Poser at 11:30 AM on April 28, 2010

Canada could come on board as seven states and one territory, suggests one XPer.

We could. But that seems irrelevant in light of the fact that we don't want to.
posted by orange swan at 11:30 AM on April 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

Well, it would solve the out-of-control border guard problem.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 11:31 AM on April 28, 2010

If I were to make a political party I would undoubtedly host one of my treatise on Tripod as well. I mean what serious minded individual wouldn't??
posted by deacon_blues at 11:32 AM on April 28, 2010

Please tell me that all of their office computers run Windows XP.
posted by spinifex23 at 11:33 AM on April 28, 2010

Hi, let me arbitrarily speak for 30 million or so people -- "y'all are cool down there, but we're good, thanks."

Also, what is the relevance of these two guys being gay? Am I missing something? It seems about as important to their ideas as being 'medium build' or having brown hair... but maybe that's just a crazy Canadian attitude.
posted by modernnomad at 11:33 AM on April 28, 2010 [5 favorites]

Industrious/Financial Party.


Dude, Creative/Industrious. We've got no hostile land neighbors - just pump all that money into science and culture, grab all the wonders and catch the first ticket to Alpha Centauri.
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 AM on April 28, 2010 [4 favorites]

Also, what is the relevance of these two guys being gay? Am I missing something?

It's copied from text that's on their own website (such as it is). As to why they think it's relevant, I have no idea.
posted by blucevalo at 11:40 AM on April 28, 2010

Hey! I just want to point out that we are not the only ones in this border dispute with crappy border guards.

I know you in Canada don't want to be part of the USA, if only because you'd have to change the name of all those Canadian Tire stores.
posted by beelzbubba at 11:40 AM on April 28, 2010

As a dual citizen I can say it would be a far more sensible idea to make the US a part of Canada and call it a day on that particular grand experiment.
posted by SassHat at 11:44 AM on April 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

Didn't we try this in the '90s?

This animated GIF reveals their plan to try to take over the world.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:45 AM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Britain is in the wrong Union. Rather than the European Union, a group hostile to Britain and the English language, Britain belongs in the American Union, on the road to worldwide English-Speaking Union." The XP "advocates merger of Britain into the U.S. as up to six states of the Union: Scotland; Wales; and up to four states to be created out of England. Northern Ireland would be merged with the present Republic of Ireland as another state, though under a religiously neutral government." Which should work just fine.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:52 AM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Welcoming Canada home? Seriously?

I have a different type of welcome in mind for those who think like that.
posted by splice at 11:53 AM on April 28, 2010

Canada could come on board as seven states and one territory, suggests one XPer.

Contrary to popular American belief, we're not viewed as the pinnacle of Western Civilization by everyone. Mexico might be likely to show interest in such a proposal, but Canada? Pfft.

Somehow I don't think the Quebecois will be very enthusiastic about the plan... or will they

They'd probably be more interested in annexing New Orleans.
posted by zarq at 11:54 AM on April 28, 2010

What if we threw a couple of NHL teams into the mix? Winnipeg, Quebec City. The Hamilton Tigers anyone?
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 11:57 AM on April 28, 2010

Political Science
posted by The Whelk at 11:58 AM on April 28, 2010

...catch the first ticket to Alpha Centauri.

Gliese 581D is where it's at. It's like Williamsburg, if Williamsburg had 7x the mass of Earth and orbited a red dwarf.
posted by Mister_A at 12:00 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, so it's like Williamsburg Virginia.
posted by The Whelk at 12:02 PM on April 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

So will it be the Great Concavity or Convexity?
posted by Anderson_Localized at 12:03 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

a different type of welcome in mind

Indeed. Ye olde skunk is once again punctured, so really, how can one resist?
posted by CynicalKnight at 12:05 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think we need a party that thinks outside the box. Namely, under the box. The United States is getting very crowded, between immigration, high birth rates, and rising waters due to global warming, according to a magazine article I read a few months ago. Taking more land won't fix the problem, as there are probably people there. And genocide is politically unpopular and we already did that one when we moved in. What we need is a party that digs underground to form vast, sprawling subterranean metropolises. We'll use geothermal energy and nuclear power to light and warm the underground world, and we'll probably stumble on coal and oil a few times, too. We'll sell the ore we dig up, benefitting our economy. Everyone will be able to have a home because of all the new real estate, and the surface's property values will go up, as the rich, agriculture and industry will come to value sunlight. All the dirt can be used to raise the sea level of America's land, meaning that we can continue to ignore global warming as the rest of the world drowns.

I call it the Dwarf Party. Anyone who votes against it will have to shovel.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:15 PM on April 28, 2010 [4 favorites]

The Government don't control the sky! Join the Balloon party!
posted by The Whelk at 12:17 PM on April 28, 2010

Why not just have a rotating schedule for Canada? We have them on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the EU takes care of them all the other days but Sunday, and on Sunday they become the political equivalent of Puerto Rico, which is just independent enough they won't hurt themselves.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:22 PM on April 28, 2010

All the dirt can be used to raise the sea level of America's land, meaning that we can continue to ignore global warming as the rest of the world drowns.

I call it the Dwarf Party. Anyone who votes against it will have to shovel.

We'll see who's laughing when you guys get overrun by demons because of your insatiable hunger for adamantite
posted by threetoed at 12:23 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

I can't believe this has never been posted before.

Also, I'm pretty sure this isn't intended as a serious proposal.

Also also, I think it's pretty funny.

Also also also, expansionist can be very powerful in the beginning stages and helps if your strategy is to gain a military advantage early on and grind the other civilizations into dust.
posted by Kattullus at 12:24 PM on April 28, 2010

mccarty.tim: "I think we need a party that thinks outside the box. Namely, under the box. The United States is getting very crowded, between immigration, high birth rates, and rising waters due to global warming, according to a magazine article I read a few months ago. Taking more land won't fix the problem, as there are probably people there. And genocide is politically unpopular and we already did that one when we moved in. What we need is a party that digs underground to form vast, sprawling subterranean metropolises. We'll use geothermal energy and nuclear power to light and warm the underground world, and we'll probably stumble on coal and oil a few times, too. We'll sell the ore we dig up, benefitting our economy. Everyone will be able to have a home because of all the new real estate, and the surface's property values will go up, as the rich, agriculture and industry will come to value sunlight. All the dirt can be used to raise the sea level of America's land, meaning that we can continue to ignore global warming as the rest of the world drowns.

I call it the Dwarf Party. Anyone who votes against it will have to shovel."

What happens when the sea-level rises and somebody forgets to seal the back airlock?
posted by Splunge at 12:25 PM on April 28, 2010

I love that the Star of Chaos is apparently their logo.


Maybe they're Melniboneans, and this is just more blood and souls for their lord, Arioch.
posted by khaibit at 12:25 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yeah, good luck with that. Considering many US citizens barely recognize their federal government I'm left wondering WTF? Warmed-over Manifest Destiny, just without the cries of "54-40 or Fight"? Is it "Arctic Circle or Bitch", now? Perhaps they might need to chat with Denmark about that pesky Greenland.

Then again, there was a reason the British gave Detroit and Ohio /back/ after the last violent annex attempt.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:28 PM on April 28, 2010

What we need is a party that digs underground to form vast, sprawling subterranean metropolises.

Dwarf Fortress is your platform?
posted by never used baby shoes at 12:28 PM on April 28, 2010

Engraved on the wall is a well designed image of some Americans and some foreigners. The foreigners are drowning. The foreigners are weeping. The Americans are laughing.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:29 PM on April 28, 2010 [8 favorites]

/me realizes he should have got the geopolitical joke and RTFA first.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:29 PM on April 28, 2010

Whenever I come across someone from the U.S. who thinks it would be really neat to make Canada a part of the United States (and speaking as a Canadian citizen would never vote to join the U.S.A.) I really like to point out something about the way the US government is structured....

There is no reason that Canadians would ever accept joining the United States without having their provinces admitted to the USA as states... I can't think of a single reason why A Canadian province would want to surrender its provincial soveriegnty. None. Canada is a de-centralized country - most important decisions take place in the provincial capitals - and sending all that power to Washington D.C. or even Ottawa would be completely unthinkable to a lot of people.

If some scenario somehow managed to come together, it would have to include a condition where The U.S. would have to make every Canadian province a U.S. State (with things like full control over health care and education), which means you would instantly have something like 20 Canadian senators in the US house of representatives. Of that 20, I suspect at least 6 would be socialists... and probably 9 more would be to the left of most U.S. democrats. Canadians would be about 10% of the population, and control about 17% of the Senate. A guy like GWB would instantly become an unelectable politician in a presidential election.

Not all bad, but a radical change to the USA. Probably too big for the US system to accomodate. Just imagine pitching 20 Canadian senators to the teabaggers.....
posted by Deep Dish at 12:38 PM on April 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

Maybe it's all part of a conspiracy to further the goals of this other party.
posted by edguardo at 12:38 PM on April 28, 2010

"Well, it would solve the out-of-control border guard problem."

Not really.
posted by Mitheral at 12:41 PM on April 28, 2010

There is no reason that Canadians would ever accept joining the United States without having their provinces admitted to the USA as states... I can't think of a single reason why A Canadian province would want to surrender its provincial soveriegnty. None. Canada is a de-centralized country - most important decisions take place in the provincial capitals - and sending all that power to Washington D.C. or even Ottawa would be completely unthinkable to a lot of people.

Actually, most important decisions take place in US State capitals too. I know it may not seem that way from the media coverage, but I assure you, the US is a federal state in which all powers default to the states; education is primarily a local affair (local, not even statewide in most cases). That's not to say that, on this issue or that, the US Federal Government may be more powerful relative to the States than the Canadian government is relative to the Provinces, but it's not like the US is a vast unitary entity where Washington rules all. State laws determine almost everything about day-to-day life in the US.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2010

Canada is a de-centralized country - most important decisions take place in the provincial capitals

Ehh... Not so much, really. While it may be true that the decisions are made provincially, those decisions tend to be more or less identical. (Offer void in Quebec.) US states have far more actual autonomy.

Now, in terms of American expansionism: Dude, you've got it all backwards. The northern border should be lowered. I mean, come on: There ain't a single border state that wouldn't be happily welcomed into Canada.



(Except Alaska. You're stuck with it, suckers!)
posted by Sys Rq at 1:21 PM on April 28, 2010

Expansionist sucks all you get is like a +2 health bonus to your 5 largest cities.

To be fair, if this was the previous version of the expansion party they'd also get a scout, and those things are awesome.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 1:34 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now, in terms of American expansionism: Dude, you've got it all backwards. The northern border should be lowered. I mean, come on: There ain't a single border state that wouldn't be happily welcomed into Canada.


Yeah, if this ever happens, don't trust the US. You'll find that newly-acquired territory to be basically just a hazardous waste dump.

[I had to, even if Anderson_Localized made the reference first]
posted by Infinite Jest at 1:51 PM on April 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm wondering if anyone would like to chip in for a MeFi research grant to study the correlation between visually-upsetting websites and batshit insane ideas.

I'll start the kitty, here is $20 worth of cats.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2010

The most hillarious part about Canada entering the US union would be the effect on the US political system. Imagine 20-25 senators, at least 20 of which would be guaranteed Democrats (or some party to their left). Imagine adding 15% population to presidential elections of which maybe 12% would always vote left-of-centre. Imagine a bunch of new states that would mandate socialized medicine, very high minimum wages (by US standards), and same-sex marriage. Denis Kucinich would finally have someone he could point to and say, "that guy, he's the real socialist." And he'd be right.

Rush would spontaneously combust. Beck would be heavily medicated in a state-un institution. Frum would have to move to Argentia.
posted by bonehead at 2:38 PM on April 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

I donno, I'd envision the deal being (1) Canada joins the U.S. bringing more natural resources, (2) the U.S. senate would become proportional, (3) every Canadian province becomes a state, and (4) all U.S. states gain vastly more autonomy. In particular, we deploy some new system designed to permanently limit the national government's power, like articles of confederation limited.

For example, the federal government might be divided into autonomous directorates, like interior, defense, social security, health care, etc., each with their own directly elected legislature. There would be a national legislature that had power over taxation, but little power over spending inside the directorates. In fact, most tax income could actually be apportioned amongst the directorates based upon national referendum, with the national government only deciding overal tax burden. Also, some directorates like healthcare would be different for different states, i.e. the Canadian Social Security Directorate, the New England Healthcare Directorate, etc.

I'm just saying that one could rewrite the whole constitution so that everyone got more autonomy, but yes that's extremely unlikely. A far more likely scenario would simply be a Schengen style agreement between Europe and North & South America, conveniently excluding Africa and Asia.
posted by jeffburdges at 2:56 PM on April 28, 2010

Frum would have to move to Argentia.

To escape prosecution?
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:00 PM on April 28, 2010

He's fled from Canada before.
posted by bonehead at 3:07 PM on April 28, 2010

The most hillarious part about Canada entering the US union would be the effect on the US political system.

Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:57 PM on April 28, 2010

Frum would have to move to Argentia.

Joke's on him!
posted by hangashore at 4:11 PM on April 28, 2010 [4 favorites]

Plus you guys would finally have a decent hockey team.
posted by bonehead at 4:50 PM on April 28, 2010

I think I'd prefer for us to join Canada instead.
posted by fings at 5:36 PM on April 28, 2010

JOIN CANADA!
JOIN CANADA!

Seems like everything was wrong til Canada came along!
posted by The Whelk at 5:47 PM on April 28, 2010

"If some scenario somehow managed to come together, it would have to include a condition where The U.S. would have to make every Canadian province a U.S. State (with things like full control over health care and education), which means you would instantly have something like 20 Canadian senators in the US house of representatives."

I think it would be a lot worse, for mainstream american politics, than that. What with the relative sizes of the two former countries Canada could rightfully demand to slice the country up a bit before joining. The prarie provinces could split at 54'40" gaining us three. Newfoundland and Labrador would become two. Vancouver Island would be Canada's Rhode Island equivelent. Nunavut would be granted full province status as we wouldn't want Alaska getting all uppitty about becoming the largest state in the contiguous United States.
posted by Mitheral at 7:30 PM on April 28, 2010

Given that Shoonmaker is apparently a big fan of Peter Duesberg, I'm not sure this is actually satire or a lark.
posted by hackwolf at 8:27 PM on April 28, 2010

The US's current informal hegemony is far cheaper than any de jure control.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:39 PM on April 28, 2010

Expansionist Party of the United States = EXPUS. Emphasis on pus, no?
posted by drogien at 6:13 AM on April 29, 2010

Vancouver Island would be Canada's Rhode Island equivelent.

I think PEI has this locked up.
posted by Deep Dish at 7:02 AM on April 29, 2010

"I think PEI has this locked up."

Augh, Order of magnitude FAIL. Of course they would.

However Vancouver Island is _exactly_ the same size as Maryland at 32,134 km². We just have to find equivalents now for Delaware through Hawaii.
posted by Mitheral at 9:33 AM on April 29, 2010

Northern Ireland would be merged with the present Republic of Ireland as another state

Can't see how that would raise any practical concerns.
posted by genghis at 10:40 AM on April 29, 2010

Expansionist Party of the United States = EXPUS. Emphasis on pus, no?

No, the founders are gay. Ex-pus, maybe.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:20 PM on April 29, 2010