Because Top 10 lists are for cowards

August 26, 2010 1:10 AM

11 scandalous stories about Saved By The Bell, from Dustin "Screech" Diamond's autobiography.
posted by Rory Marinich (108 comments total)

.... hosted on the slowest webserver seen this side of 1992.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:19 AM on August 26, 2010

oh
my
GOD
posted by clavdivs at 1:28 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

The quintessential SBTB moment: I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm... SO... SCARED.
posted by kmz at 1:32 AM on August 26, 2010 [7 favorites]

That said, oof. If the Mario Lopez bit is anywhere close to true, that's... well, sadly not all that surprising, considering the atmosphere in Hollywood then and now, but ugh.
posted by kmz at 1:36 AM on August 26, 2010

SPOILER ALERT!!

In case you were planning on reading the book.
posted by chillmost at 2:02 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ugh. Even as someone who enjoys a healthy dose of Hollywood-flavored schadenfreude every now and then, I just found that depressing. As an antidote, here's a list of child stars who came out ok.
posted by Rangeboy at 2:04 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

While I don't want to see it, if you're going to claim to have a large penis as a central point in your autobiography, a photo should be in there, complete with ruler and eyewitness testimony from impartial witnesses and a notary's stamp.

Does any Hollywood celeb ever come out in their book and say "well, I had sex with my hand a lot and my dick is pretty average"?
posted by maxwelton at 2:49 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Kevin Smith?
posted by Tenuki at 2:58 AM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]

I thought this was going to be a McSweeney's link.
posted by dortmunder at 3:15 AM on August 26, 2010 [11 favorites]

have you ever seen the law & order episode where they do the take-off on saved by the bell?

When the body of former teen star Alvin Stevens is found buried in Potter's Field, Logan and Wheeler try to find out who would have motive to murder the young man that Wheeler's generation affectionately remembers as lovable geek Skater. Their investigation soon leads them to bootleg DVDs, the Albanian mob, and another child star who never moved on with his life.

this is sadder than that.
posted by msconduct at 3:40 AM on August 26, 2010 [7 favorites]

Amazing. I grew up watching this show, and yet none of this surprises me.
posted by canadia at 3:50 AM on August 26, 2010

I hope Jaleel White's autobiography comes out soon.

Urkel was much more annoying than Screech.
posted by dzaz at 3:56 AM on August 26, 2010

Next you'll be telling me Pugwall was a crack-whore.
posted by mippy at 4:19 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now do The Brady Bunch.
posted by wittgenstein at 4:20 AM on August 26, 2010

While I don't want to see it, if you're going to claim to have a large penis as a central point in your autobiography, a photo should be in there, complete with ruler and eyewitness testimony from impartial witnesses and a notary's stamp.

The dude's got a sex tape; I'm sure you can find his junk on the internets if you really want to see it.
posted by inigo2 at 4:22 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

The dude's got a sex tape; I'm sure you can find his junk on the internets if you really want to see it.

I know a girl that was in the Screech porn movie. I haven't found the fortitude to watch it. The girl is the sister of a good friend of mine.
posted by peewinkle at 4:35 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

...complete with a MS Paint mouth semen.

In the unlikely event this is English, I don't want to know what it means.
posted by DU at 4:38 AM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

I don't think Nobel Prize-winning books repeatedly use the word "douchenozzle"

Challenge accepted.
posted by DU at 4:46 AM on August 26, 2010 [48 favorites]

Amazing. It sounds as if those other two guys were constantly making stuff up to sound more mature ("Yeah, so I have to kiss her in the next scene...but I bet you didn't know I've actually done it with her a thousand times!"), and he believed every single word they said and made even rancier stuff up himself because he didn't want to feel left out.
posted by daniel_charms at 4:50 AM on August 26, 2010 [8 favorites]

Ex-celebrity desperate for cash writes tell-all about public figures who won't be able to sue him for libel. Hmm. There may be bits of truth here. Hard to say.
posted by TrialByMedia at 5:05 AM on August 26, 2010

What boggles my mind is the implication that Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar had an agreement to share the girls. Like, none of them slept with one or the other, it was always both. Was there no jealousy in that? Was it a pre-arranged package deal? It just doesn't jibe with my observations of the human experience.
posted by sonika at 5:10 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

("Yeah, so I have to kiss her in the next scene...but I bet you didn't know I've actually done it with her a thousand times!")

"Oh yeah? Well, I totally did it with the Network Vice-President of Children's Progamming!"
"...Dude. No."
posted by Spatch at 5:20 AM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

Could you send this to me in a series of Tweets so I can better process this information?

dzaz: "I hope Jaleel White's autobiography comes out soon."

I think I just saw the sunlight bend with that sentence.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 5:25 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

[Jaleel] White also appeared in the pilot episode for Good Morning, Miss Bliss in 1987, and had a role in the 1990 television movie Camp Cucamonga, which also featured Chad Allen (My Two Dads), Candace Cameron (Full House), Danica McKellar and Josh Saviano (The Wonder Years), Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Aniston.

WTF
posted by DU at 5:30 AM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]

I know I watched a lot of this show when I was young, so it's surprising to me that I literally have no idea who any of these people are.
posted by afx237vi at 5:40 AM on August 26, 2010

"Is it bragging to say I've banged over two thousand chicks in my life?"

You've got me beat there, Screech
posted by nola at 5:57 AM on August 26, 2010

What boggles my mind is the implication that Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar had an agreement to share the girls. Like, none of them slept with one or the other, it was always both. Was there no jealousy in that? Was it a pre-arranged package deal? It just doesn't jibe with my observations of the human experience.

To be fair, I couldn't have decided back then either.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:23 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

I also used to have sex fantasies involving Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, except I was IN all of them myself.
posted by briank at 6:24 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

The cover of Dustin Diamond's book makes me incredibly happy. Jazz hands!
posted by Tha Race Card at 6:29 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Remember Sassy magazine? Tiffani-Amber Thiessen sure does!
posted by pxe2000 at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2010 [8 favorites]

Dustin Diamond ::shudder::. What a weirdo that dude is. He was recently cast in the NY production of The Awesome 80's Prom, and it made me feel sorry for the cast.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 AM on August 26, 2010

I didn't watch "Saved by the Bell", because any small amount I ever saw of it seemed intolerably stupid, in no small part because of this guy. This memoir strikes me as a pretty desperate attempt at spreading half-truths and exaggerations in order to make some quick cash. He probably needs the cash to pay for the prostitutes who I imagine make up a significant percentage of his list of 2000 women.
posted by wabbittwax at 7:03 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Austin Powers has to make his next movie about an international terrorist organization a la SPECTER that is run by ex-child stars. (And get the ex-child actors to play themselves.)
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:06 AM on August 26, 2010 [11 favorites]

Speaking of Tiffani(-Amber) Thiessen, has anyone else watching White Collar this season noticed how terrible and awkward all of her scenes have been? They were very clearly shot from the neck up with a green screen to hide the fact that she was pregnant at the time.
posted by albrecht at 7:06 AM on August 26, 2010

Most of the 2,000 girls he picked up were at Disneyland???!!!!
posted by interestedfilter at 7:10 AM on August 26, 2010

This kind of sadness--next to the "10 Child Stars Who Turned Out OK" (though I thought Robert Black and Drew Barrymore were a bit dicey on that list)--makes me wonder: what would you do if you had a talented, precocious child who wanted to act? Would you help her do that, or steer her in another direction? Try to limit her to local theater until she turned 18? Has anybody here had kids who wanted to be in modeling or acting, and how did you navigate that?
posted by not that girl at 7:12 AM on August 26, 2010

This puts the rumors, allegations, and denials about hookups among the cast of Glee in a different light.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:15 AM on August 26, 2010

What would you do if you had a talented, precocious child who wanted to act? Would you help her do that, or steer her in another direction? Try to limit her to local theater until she turned 18?

I would definitely keep my child into local stuff. From all accounts I've read, chasing the "child star" dream is hard, time-consuming work, VERY expensive, might well kill your marriage, is a flop for most of the kids involved who never get anywhere, and messes up the kids who did get somewhere. Why put everyone through that when the child can explore their passion for the arts by being in the school drama club or doing shows at the local community theatre? A child needs license to express themselves artistically, but no child "needs" to be a star.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:17 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Try to limit her to local theater until she turned 18?

Oh, dear lord. That's just a drunken bisexual orgy waiting to happen.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:21 AM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]

"I have slept with over 2000 women!~!#~!" is the same as saying "I haven't woken up next to a woman who loved me two nights in a row since I was an infant."
posted by sonic meat machine at 7:26 AM on August 26, 2010 [30 favorites]

but no child "needs" to be a star.

Sounds like someone has never heard of Traci Lords!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:29 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

reading the link from ThePinkSuperhero: Dustin Diamond ... also appeared in a number of game shows and reality shows, including "The Weakest Link" ... .

i'll bet he won that one whatever it is.
posted by msconduct at 7:34 AM on August 26, 2010

I know a woman who briefly dated Jaleel White in LA a few years ago. Apparently he's very charming, has an amazing body (if you know what I'm implying), and is really good in bed. This woman would absolutely have made fun of him, and herself for dating him, if the opposite were true, so I believed her assessment. YMMV.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:36 AM on August 26, 2010

As a former employee of Disneyland as a ride operator, I call bullshit on his claim that he hooked up any significant number of times at Disneyland on the rides themselves. All the rides, especially dark ones such as the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean, are equipped extensively with cameras linking to a central "tower" where one or more employees are stationed for the purpose of watching for guest safety and questionable behavior. Any amount of boinking, even is relatively covert as a blowjob, is obvious on the cameras. Unless he was timing his hookups to last less than 20 seconds at certain parts of the ride, there is no way he got through a ride without being seen on camera and called out either at the time or after the ride. People have been banned from the park for that type of thing.

Now, it is true that some Disneyland employees are more lecherous than others, and would probably have watched the show without doing anything. But more often than not, we were more than happy to call out bad actors and embarrass them, even using the loudspeakers mid ride to stop them if they were doing something especially risky.

Screech, err, Diamond may have done some hooking up in other parts of the park that were not on the rides (its not London, cameras aren't in every corner), but if he's saying he took girls for a ride on his small world on Its a Small World, he's full of it.
posted by shen1138 at 7:41 AM on August 26, 2010 [25 favorites]

That guy comes across as really having been humiliated by playing that character.

Screech, err, Diamond may have done some hooking up in other parts of the park that were not on the rides (its not London, cameras aren't in every corner), but if he's saying he took girls for a ride on his small world on Its a Small World, he's full of it.

Did they have all the cameras there 15 years ago? I guess it wouldn't be impossible, but the cost for those things has gone down quite a bit in that time.
posted by delmoi at 7:44 AM on August 26, 2010

briank:I also used to have sex fantasies involving Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, except I was IN all of them myself.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who daydreamed about getting a rusty trombone while talking on my giant Zach Morris cell phone.
posted by dr_dank at 7:45 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

This kind of sadness--next to the "10 Child Stars Who Turned Out OK" (though I thought Robert Black and Drew Barrymore were a bit dicey on that list)--

There seem to be several others who are dicey on that list, imo. Dunst has been rumored to have drug problems, Bale has a notorious temper that has been meme-ed to death, Phoenix is a rapper? or crazy? Or both? In all, not people I'd want my child to want to emulate even if none of them are on the LiLo scale of fiasco.

But as an aside, the first time we were watching a Thin Man marathon and a pint size Dean Stockwell popped up, that was made of awesome.

I'd be interested in a less notorious list of "successful" child stars, ones who have gone on to grounded marriages and successful careers behind the scenes. Like Ron Howard, only perhaps outside of Hollywood.
posted by librarianamy at 7:50 AM on August 26, 2010

Anyway, put a bunch of horny teens together, give them a ton of money and what do you expect is going to happen?

I know I watched a lot of this show when I was young, so it's surprising to me that I literally have no idea who any of these people are.

Mario Lopez was Slater, and Tiffany Amber theisen was Kelly Kapowski. Maybe you were watching some of the later seasons with a different cast. Mark-Paul Harry Gosselaar was Zack, but actually I had to look that up. Thiessen got relatively famous, and Lopez has been kind of famous lately, after being on dancing with the stars. (Sad I know this). Gosselaar's wikipedia page indicates he's still working as an actor.
posted by delmoi at 7:54 AM on August 26, 2010

Did they have all the cameras there 15 years ago?

I worked there over (sobs) 15 years ago, and yes, they were camera filled. Specifically, I worked most of the time on Star Tours, with rare spot coverage on other rides like Pirates, where I worked the towers. I also know from my (super minor) trouble-making past, about 20 years ago, that if you do something stupid like get out of the vehicle on Pirates or Haunted Mansion, someone will get on the horn and in a loud voice say "GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE NOW AND STAY SEATED." And then your family will look at you in horror and shame and you won't get ice cream the rest of the day.
posted by shen1138 at 7:56 AM on August 26, 2010 [14 favorites]

He just comes across as sex-obsessed. I wouldn't be all that surprised if the on-set hook-ups were true, but the other stories seem a stretch. Ed Alonzo and Neil Patrick Harris are both gay, and hung out a lot together. Obviously, they were having sex! The exec producer had long closed-door meetings with the two potentially breakout stars of the show, obviously they were having threesomes!
posted by cottoncandybeard at 7:57 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I remember in the Dustin Diamond did a stand up gig in the DC suburbs. At a pizza place. A friend of mine opened for him and wrote a blog about it that wasn't very flattering to Dustin Diamond. He got a call from Dustin Diamond and said essentially something like "we're just very disappointed in you." He did say that Dustin Diamond was a little bit of a jerk but his expectations were so low that he was almost impressed at how much less of a jerk he is in private than in public. So anecdotes!
posted by I Foody at 7:59 AM on August 26, 2010

Now do The Brady Bunch.

Barry Williams' Growing Up Brady doesn't have a lot of threesomes and douchenozzles, but if you're a fan of the show, it's worth reading.
posted by box at 8:04 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is it bragging to say I've had a mutual, exclusive, fulfilling relationship with one woman for going on twenty-five years?

'cause frankly, to me "is it bragging to say I've banged over two thousand chicks in my life?" sounds like an admission of being a failure and a slut.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:07 AM on August 26, 2010 [9 favorites]

I'd be interested in a less notorious list of "successful" child stars, ones who have gone on to grounded marriages and successful careers behind the scenes.

Wil Wheaton?
Ilan Mitchell-Smith?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:12 AM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

"what would you do if you had a talented, precocious child who wanted to act? Would you help her do that, or steer her in another direction? Try to limit her to local theater until she turned 18? Has anybody here had kids who wanted to be in modeling or acting, and how did you navigate that?"

I've always found it quite disturbing that we rightly won't let kids toil in factories but film their labour and it's A-OK.
posted by Mitheral at 8:14 AM on August 26, 2010

DU: "...complete with a MS Paint mouth semen.

In the unlikely event this is English, I don't want to know what it means."

Ooo! I can explain this one! I've only been to Perez Hilton's site twice, once out of curiosity, and once after that by accident. In order to protect his images, Hilton MS Paint's stuff on them. It's weird, and off-putting.
posted by graventy at 8:15 AM on August 26, 2010

My cousin was very into acting and singing and stayed local - dinner theatre and school plays and such. He's in a few musical groups now and seems happy.

Nthing the disbelief re: Disney. I worked in the shops and there aren't enough on-stage hiding places that stay depopulated long enough to do any such stuff. And I know people who were assigned to sit in the areas of selected dark rides that don't have adequate camera coverage (I had a brief hobby of turning around at key moments and saying hi to them to impress the tourists.) I also know someone who got yelled at on Pirates in the early 1980s or late 1970s, so they were definitely watching during Mr. Diamond's tenure on the show.
posted by SMPA at 8:30 AM on August 26, 2010

shen1138: "Unless he was timing his hookups to last less than 20 seconds at certain parts of the ride"

To hell with DU's Nobel Prize, I'm accepting this challenge.
posted by Riki tiki at 8:38 AM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

"Mark-Paul Harry Gosselaar was Zack"

Until he ended up on NYPD Blue, at which time I began referring to him (and his character) as "Screech", which really pissed off mrs_davis (which was, after all, the whole point).
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 8:56 AM on August 26, 2010

I'm continually amazed at the obsession some people seem to have over this show, which I never watched. I graduated in '93 so perhaps that had something to do with it?

Also, never had a Nintendo. We was po', but my Atari 2600 with black and white TV was a hit in college in '95.
posted by mrbill at 8:56 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

As someone who has been caught doing things that are probably best left unlisted on numerous Disneyland rides, I'd like to confirm that it is fucking impossible to get away with anything there.

Well, since they took out the World of Tron, anyway.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:05 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I didn't have a game system at all when I was a kid so every day after school it was a solid 2 hour block of Saved by the Bell for me. Two eps on TBS, then two eps on WGN. At one point I could tell you the exact plot of an episode based on the first minute or two. It was... quite sad.

Class of '00 (ish).
posted by kmz at 9:07 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Mark Paul Gosselaar on Jimmy Fallon last year
posted by hopeless romantique at 9:16 AM on August 26, 2010

Remember Sassy magazine? Tiffani-Amber Thiessen sure does!

I thought this was kind of mean. Also, I don't know what college MaryAnn went to, but in my experience, an English or English Literature department teaches literature that is in the English language, not just literature from England.
posted by naoko at 9:18 AM on August 26, 2010

As a former employee of Disneyland as a ride operator, I call bullshit on his claim that he hooked up any significant number of times at Disneyland on the rides themselves.

I was also an ride operator at Disneyland (in the late 80s) and I concur with the calling of the bullshit.

Now, you can get up to all sorts of brief, non-intercourse shenanigans. Perhaps that's what he's talking about. But an actual hookup would be exceedingly rare. And everything would be immediately obvious to the ride operators -- especially for a celebrity like Screech, who would be just as recognizable to the rider operators as everyone else.

Besides, the Disneyland Hotel is only a monorail ride away. And they have booze.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:34 AM on August 26, 2010

I can't believe people didn't like Saved By The Bell. I thought it was a great show. I really enjoyed it.
posted by anniecat at 9:38 AM on August 26, 2010

The 80's are over. Here come the 90's.
posted by tspae at 9:51 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

About the only thing I know about Dustin Diamond is that he is really into chess.
posted by exogenous at 9:58 AM on August 26, 2010

I am fully in support of short websites that perfectly summarize all of the juicey bits of trashy celebrity books.
posted by Theta States at 10:16 AM on August 26, 2010 [9 favorites]

I know a guy who used to play in Salty the Pocketknife, the band in which Dustin Diamond played bass for a while (it was never "his band," as he didn't found it or write any of the songs). Decent band, sort of abrasive noise-rock skronk with more than a hint of Zappa, but apparently Dustin Diamond is a huge pain in the ass that still considers himself a "celebrity" and expects to be treated as such.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:21 AM on August 26, 2010

From his story, I figured he wasn't hooking up with people on the rides, so much as he was segueing "a ride with Screech" to "back to the hotel for another ride with Screech."

Either that, or his definition of "banged" is different than most.
posted by explosion at 10:29 AM on August 26, 2010

I can't believe people didn't like Saved By The Bell. I thought it was a great show. I really enjoyed it.

Oh, me too! I watched every episode ever made last year while on unemployment (I got a lot of good TV watching in during that time period). Make no mistakes, it's a terribly cheesy, sexist, absurd show, but that's what makes it so great! When Good Vibrations was so hated on Broadway, I couldn't figure it out- it was basically Saved by the Bell: The Musical with Beach Boys songs, and who wouldn't love that?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:35 AM on August 26, 2010

Either that, or his definition of "banged" is different than most.

Thinking the same thing. As in, concealing a heavy rock to conk somebody in the head with during a dark and spooky ride.
posted by contessa at 10:53 AM on August 26, 2010

Charles Manson.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:53 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

That was in response to ThePinkSuperhero. I don't usually just pop into threads and say Charles Manson.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:54 AM on August 26, 2010 [11 favorites]

I don't know Astro Zombie, you may have just created the latest meme.

Charles Manson.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 11:06 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I know this has been well established and understood, but for those of you who are just tuning into reality in the modern world: people put a shit load of bullshit in their autobiographies.

Look at it this way, it's the only false advertising you can't get sued for. Remember that Million Little Pieces debacle? That guy got to keep every cent. So, what you do is write a book saying you ravaged Donna Reed's undercarriage after being provided the opportunity in a time machine Isaac Asmimov built, and it is totally true. The resulting hubb-bubb will sell at least 2 or 3 more than you should have, as the hyperactive link-through news industry of the internet will have the "Bathtub totally did the chick from Lassie (he states)" as the headline, knowing it will get them at least 2 or 3 more clicks and banner-ad views... and if anyone calls you on it?

"My bad. I took some creative liberties. Don't put this in the Non-Fiction section any more, if you got any of my hardcover left."

You, the news sites, and everyone except for the poor sucker who paid $21.95 makes out like bandits, and unless someone can prove libel/slander in a court of law (not easy, and very expensive to do), no one will sue you for it.

The message is the medium is the moneymaker, folks.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 11:07 AM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

I thought you were implying Charles Manson would conk people on the head during dark and spooky rides.

Which, you know, he probably would.
posted by kmz at 11:08 AM on August 26, 2010

I don't know Astro Zombie, you may have just created the latest meme.

Charles Manson.

OHFUCKTHEINTERNETISFINISHED!
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 11:08 AM on August 26, 2010

you ravaged Donna Reed's undercarriage

Sorry, Mom, I'll put away my bike before you get home next time. I hope it didn't ruin the car.
posted by DU at 11:10 AM on August 26, 2010

I don't know Astro Zombie, you may have just created the latest meme.

Charles Manson.

"T. S. Eliot," ex-P. F. C. Wintergreen said in his mail-sorting cubicle at Twenty-seventh Air Force Headquarters and slammed down the telephone without identifying himself.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 11:11 AM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

What would you do if you had a talented, precocious child who wanted to act? Would you help her do that, or steer her in another direction? Try to limit her to local theater until she turned 18?

Every story I've ever read about a fucked-up child actor involved terrible parents.

What I'd do is encourage my child to follow her passion. Meanwhile I would work not to be a bad parent.
posted by grumblebee at 11:26 AM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

They should totally make a Charles Manson ride at Disneyland.
posted by mannequito at 11:44 AM on August 26, 2010

When you get to the bottom you go back to the top of the slide...
posted by Tenuki at 11:54 AM on August 26, 2010 [11 favorites]

The message is the medium is the moneymaker, folks.

How Rage Against the Machine can one man be? This many.
posted by grubi at 12:06 PM on August 26, 2010

I think the trick as a parent is this: if your child wants to be in the movies or on television, encourage them to be a child character actor.
posted by davejay at 12:28 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think the trick as a parent is this: if your child wants to be in the movies or on television, encourage them to be a child character actor.

Oh, yeah. In my Hollywood fantasies, I'm never the big star. I'm somebody like Edward Herrmann or, yes, Dean Stockwell, who works all the time and is well-restpected and millions of people don't know your name but if you're pointed out to them they go, Oh, yeah, that guy! and once you become aware of them (like I did with Edward Herrmann 20+ years ago when I caught him and Jane Alexander in Dear Liar on PBS, you see them everywhere.
posted by not that girl at 1:01 PM on August 26, 2010

Gosselaar's wikipedia page indicates he's still working as an actor.

He's done well enough for himself. Co-star of NYPD Blue is a good gig.
posted by smackfu at 2:05 PM on August 26, 2010

To me, the saddest part of the list is the list's introduction:

I'm fairly sure no editor actually read it cover-to-cover; on page four we get the sentence "Fuck fame. Allow me to tear down your allusions"... and that sets off a book just riddled with spelling errors, punctuation errors, repeated references to craft services as Kraft services and weird line breaks. On two separate occasions, entire paragraphs are actually repeated.


Yikes.
posted by absalom at 2:10 PM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Who's the publisher - aren't they supposed to catch these mistakes? Or did he go with some bargain basement self publishing outfit?
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:16 PM on August 26, 2010

The publisher only seems to produce celebrity exposés.
posted by smackfu at 2:19 PM on August 26, 2010

He strikes me as the sort of guy would who stretch "touched her boob as the ride went around a corner" into "banged."
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:03 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Who would! Not would who!
I blame Bathtub Bobsled for melting my brain with the ex-P. F. C. Wintergreen bit.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:04 PM on August 26, 2010

Dustin Diamond went to my prom. Luckily, he didn't go to my high school.
posted by mynameisluka at 3:13 PM on August 26, 2010

Who's the publisher - aren't they supposed to catch these mistakes? Or did he go with some bargain basement self publishing outfit?


What do you think?
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 3:22 PM on August 26, 2010

Lo and behond! Would who? Charles Manson.
posted by Skot at 3:23 PM on August 26, 2010

The book was published by these guys, who...well, judge for yourself.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:35 PM on August 26, 2010

From what I've seen of him, I don't think that Diamond really likes the life he's making for himself. But he's too far in to know how to stop and do something else remotely lucrative.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:52 PM on August 26, 2010

This may sound very harsh, but I don't think he's really that far in at all. I speak here as somebody who rarely saw his show, but that was like twenty years ago, he was a kid, and it is not at all far-fetched for me to imagine that he could just get a real job and go more or less unnoticed. He's obviously got some delusions of grandeur that make this impossible, but it's not really impossible.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:16 PM on August 26, 2010

None of these stories are as scandalous or offensive as the existence of Saved By The Bell itself.
posted by jonmc at 5:04 PM on August 26, 2010

Also, I assume that the 2000 women he had sex with are ones that Gene Simmons turned down.
posted by jonmc at 5:06 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

With a name like Dustin Diamond, it seems to me like he was almost destined for this kind of fate. With that name, he could be a third-string pro wrestler, or an extra in a porn movie. Even if he can get over being Screech, he can never escape being Dustin Diamond.
posted by donkeymon at 5:17 PM on August 26, 2010

I can't believe people didn't like Saved By The Bell. I thought it was a great show. I really enjoyed it.

Hamburger?

On a side note, I regret not having driven over Screech's and urinated on his front porch (yet). It appears he actually is in foreclosure now so my window of opportunity is closing. If I do it you'll be able to read all about it in my self-published autobiography "MikeMc: Behind the Blue" detailing my MeFi Years.
posted by MikeMc at 5:33 PM on August 26, 2010

"MikeMc: Behind the Blue" detailing my MeFi Years.

Don't forget the ruler, if appropriate.
posted by maxwelton at 7:20 PM on August 26, 2010

not that girl: i grew up in the theater because my mom was a technical director at a couple of colleges. I was a child actor in plays, with my last role when i was 12. I was precocious, but not motivated. The choice my mother made, because she had seen so many crazy stage mom's, was to not be one of those. So i wasn't pushed to act, and so i didn't. I really haven't except for random things like 48 hour film fest (where i co-starred with one of the topless girls from harold and kumar escape guantanimo or whatever (never saw it))

I think Jaleel White is doing fine. He was recently on an episode of Psych where he was in an a-Capella group with Gus (Dule Hill). Probably just a normal dude.

I don't know if i trust what Diamond is saying here. I mean, he certainly has motivation to make it up.
posted by djduckie at 7:53 PM on August 26, 2010

Belding, Screech, and Mario Lopez came to speak at Ohio State when I was there in 2004. Belding was hammered, Screech was creepy, and Mario Lopez was prepping for his role on whatever show he hosts now. The whole thing was just weird and awkward.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 8:00 PM on August 26, 2010

here's a list of child stars who came out ok.

Hey! they left out Dennis Hopper!
posted by Twang at 10:03 PM on August 26, 2010

Dustin Diamond went to my prom. Luckily, he didn't go to my high school.

I think you left the scariest part of that statement out. Something along the lines of "he was 35 years old at the time."
posted by IvoShandor at 1:24 AM on August 27, 2010