Butt seriously: why you might be pooping wrong
June 25, 2024 12:21 PM Subscribe
I make my living dealing with assholes. Usually they’re attached to nice people seeking help for a host of common issues causing them pain or embarrassment. Many of my patients are young and LGBTQ+, needing relief from injuries caused by improperly executed anal sex, or treatment for anal STIs. But I also frequently see people of all genders and sexual orientations who are seeking help for conditions caused by constipation, childbirth and even poor weightlifting techniques.
An excerpt in The Guardian adapted from Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between by Dr. Evan Goldstein.
I see damage from over-wiping with rough toilet paper, or rashes or fungal or bacterial irritations caused by overuse of wet wipes. I meet people suffering from hemorrhoids, who are scared when they see unexplained blood in the toilet bowl. I talk to patients who just don’t feel sexy because of unwanted hair or irregular pigmentation.
Ultimately, one thing seems to be universally true: no one feels happy, healthy or beautiful if their ass isn’t happy, healthy and beautiful. So that’s what I do – give people their happiness, health and self-confidence back, one butt at a time. And since we spend a considerable amount of our life pooping, it behooves us to understand there is a correct technique for doing it. I call this lesson Pooping 101.
I see damage from over-wiping with rough toilet paper, or rashes or fungal or bacterial irritations caused by overuse of wet wipes. I meet people suffering from hemorrhoids, who are scared when they see unexplained blood in the toilet bowl. I talk to patients who just don’t feel sexy because of unwanted hair or irregular pigmentation.
Ultimately, one thing seems to be universally true: no one feels happy, healthy or beautiful if their ass isn’t happy, healthy and beautiful. So that’s what I do – give people their happiness, health and self-confidence back, one butt at a time. And since we spend a considerable amount of our life pooping, it behooves us to understand there is a correct technique for doing it. I call this lesson Pooping 101.
I'm staying out of this thread.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:25 PM on June 25 [103 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:25 PM on June 25 [103 favorites]
is this the new free thread
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 12:26 PM on June 25 [30 favorites]
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 12:26 PM on June 25 [30 favorites]
OK, but can this book teach us how to good-bye depression?
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:33 PM on June 25 [14 favorites]
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:33 PM on June 25 [14 favorites]
The gigantic header image of a cholate soft serve cone seemed . . . unnecessary? I don't know. I guess I'm a prude.
posted by The Bellman at 12:34 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
posted by The Bellman at 12:34 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
Dr. Goldstein is a poet. Also loose with his use of the word stool.
The stool takes time to move into the right position to come down through the anal canal, which is why you shouldn’t try to force a poop when you don’t feel the urge. … In one study, 90% of participants said they strained less when using a stool and 71% said they had faster bowel movements. Specially made toilet stools are easily found in any home goods store or online.
posted by chavenet at 12:36 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
The stool takes time to move into the right position to come down through the anal canal, which is why you shouldn’t try to force a poop when you don’t feel the urge. … In one study, 90% of participants said they strained less when using a stool and 71% said they had faster bowel movements. Specially made toilet stools are easily found in any home goods store or online.
posted by chavenet at 12:36 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
Anal fissures ain't no joke!
posted by Czjewel at 12:40 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 12:40 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
Butts pro tip, I shared this with a friend a few months back and she recently confirmed it's been life changing for her as well.
Get a bidet attachment (this is not my tip, this is just smart advice) and instead of using toilet paper, keep a little bin of cloths by your toilet and use that to dry off instead. I have a bin of cheap washcloths (which yes get washed thoroughly even though my butt is already clean) and a tiny hamper in my bathroom for just this purpose. Less waste, no papery bits stuck to a damp booty, and so gentle on your soft parts.
posted by phunniemee at 12:47 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
Get a bidet attachment (this is not my tip, this is just smart advice) and instead of using toilet paper, keep a little bin of cloths by your toilet and use that to dry off instead. I have a bin of cheap washcloths (which yes get washed thoroughly even though my butt is already clean) and a tiny hamper in my bathroom for just this purpose. Less waste, no papery bits stuck to a damp booty, and so gentle on your soft parts.
posted by phunniemee at 12:47 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
This is one of the best things about having a butler.
posted by Wordshore at 12:53 PM on June 25 [46 favorites]
posted by Wordshore at 12:53 PM on June 25 [46 favorites]
Get a butler for all your buttling.
posted by phunniemee at 12:56 PM on June 25 [24 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 12:56 PM on June 25 [24 favorites]
Our primal disgust over this subject is trying to tell us something very important--something that our decadent times may trick us into forgetting: Pooping is unnatural, unsanitary, and unnecessary. In the same way you don't say all the awful things you might want to say when you get angry, you should hold in all the bad things that result from eating.
Poop: Not Even Once.
posted by mittens at 12:57 PM on June 25 [29 favorites]
Poop: Not Even Once.
posted by mittens at 12:57 PM on June 25 [29 favorites]
buddy yer fulla shit
posted by elkevelvet at 1:00 PM on June 25 [10 favorites]
posted by elkevelvet at 1:00 PM on June 25 [10 favorites]
*
posted by lalochezia at 1:05 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
posted by lalochezia at 1:05 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
all the toilets in the police station have been stolen
the cops apparently have nothing to go on
posted by lalochezia at 1:09 PM on June 25 [45 favorites]
the cops apparently have nothing to go on
posted by lalochezia at 1:09 PM on June 25 [45 favorites]
Every time I go on vacation, I'm really bummed about having to wipe my ass for a week rather than use my bidet. Maybe it's time to invest in the portable squeezy one...
posted by advicepig at 1:16 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
posted by advicepig at 1:16 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
you should hold in all the bad things that result from eating.
I saw an episode of Huff in which a guy refused to poop and thus ended up having to poop into a bag the rest of his life.
Poop: a necessary evil.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:21 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
I saw an episode of Huff in which a guy refused to poop and thus ended up having to poop into a bag the rest of his life.
Poop: a necessary evil.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:21 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
My dad is an internal medicine doc. When I was a child we'd go to these family gatherings and my relatives would be spend what seemed like hours asking him about their poops, and I would think these people are literally insane. Anyway, now that I'm in my 50s I completely understand.
posted by Depressed Obese Nightmare Man at 1:29 PM on June 25 [22 favorites]
posted by Depressed Obese Nightmare Man at 1:29 PM on June 25 [22 favorites]
I have and swear by a SonTiy handheld sprayer. It uses cold water from the line, and the jet is intense. You can adjust the pressure to your comfort, though!
In the winter it's a particularly bracing experience.
posted by MengerSponge at 1:37 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
In the winter it's a particularly bracing experience.
posted by MengerSponge at 1:37 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
I find this article missed a lot of obviously things about butt health! For example, many parts of the world that think is a good idea to wash your bottom with water, but article makes no mention of this. Surely this is a good idea, because article says paper is rough on your ass and that you also wipe away important oils. Water would not do this, because water oil do not mix and water is not rough. So does this means many Arab, Indian and Asian countries have a good idea?
posted by samjoju at 1:39 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
posted by samjoju at 1:39 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
Paging Wordshore. Paging Wordshore to the Poop Desk, please.
The poop deck, surely.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:40 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
The poop deck, surely.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:40 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
I make my living dealing with assholes.
Oh, so you're in IT support too?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:43 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
Oh, so you're in IT support too?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:43 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
"Gently pat and dry your butt clean"
Buddy, you have not met my cavernous Mariana Trench of a butt. It is hairy and it is deep. I have a bidet, and I love it - it has done wonders for my hemorrhoids - but with the Flying Spaghetti Monster as my witness the water alone is not enough, regardless of the PSI. I use a lot less TP than I used to, thanks to the thing, but the TP is still a requirement and the whole situation is in fact exacerbated by the hemorrhoids, behind and under which sneaky poopers hide in wait for me to give up, after which they cause a truly awful itching sensation. And so each trip to the toilet is an excavation. Loose stool, in this context, is a blessing. And double ply is mandated by OSHA.
That said - I go at least once if not two or three times per day. Coffee works wonders.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:44 PM on June 25 [12 favorites]
Buddy, you have not met my cavernous Mariana Trench of a butt. It is hairy and it is deep. I have a bidet, and I love it - it has done wonders for my hemorrhoids - but with the Flying Spaghetti Monster as my witness the water alone is not enough, regardless of the PSI. I use a lot less TP than I used to, thanks to the thing, but the TP is still a requirement and the whole situation is in fact exacerbated by the hemorrhoids, behind and under which sneaky poopers hide in wait for me to give up, after which they cause a truly awful itching sensation. And so each trip to the toilet is an excavation. Loose stool, in this context, is a blessing. And double ply is mandated by OSHA.
That said - I go at least once if not two or three times per day. Coffee works wonders.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:44 PM on June 25 [12 favorites]
I'm really bummed about having to wipe my ass
ISWYDT, too!
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:44 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
ISWYDT, too!
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:44 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
I am a butt doctor (part time) and I'm looking forward to reading this. Might to good offer copies in the clinic if it's good. I wonder if the book touches upon how much tension some people carry in their butts. Some people get tension headaches, others get it on the other end, and all the fibre in the world won't help if folks can't address the source of their tension.
posted by greatgefilte at 1:48 PM on June 25 [18 favorites]
posted by greatgefilte at 1:48 PM on June 25 [18 favorites]
Who took away my colored toilet paper!
posted by Czjewel at 1:50 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 1:50 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: I am a butt doctor (
posted by lalochezia at 1:51 PM on June 25 [34 favorites]
p a r t t i m e )posted by lalochezia at 1:51 PM on June 25 [34 favorites]
Dear everyone who's a bit leaky, and esp. post-menopausal women: Even mild constipation is a significant cause of urinary incontinence. Eat fiber, fruit, veg, psyllium husk capsules, whatever. You will not only poop happily, you will (not) pee happily.
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
I might have stuck with medicine as a career if I could have specialized in proctology or any of the other part time medical disciplines.
posted by dr_dank at 2:00 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 2:00 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
I got us a bidet attachment the other day, and then spent the day like a cat waiting next to the litter box while it was being cleaned: can I use it now? now? now? And then I used it, and laughed so hard because it tickles, oh how it tickles; toilet paper doesn't tickle. Also rocking slightly forward whilst adjusting the spraying level is weirdly intriguing (not titillating or exciting) just a whole new sensation. Afterword, peace. It's saving my butt, literally, during this heat.
posted by winesong at 2:01 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
posted by winesong at 2:01 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
I am a butt doctor (part time)
Would you say you've been half assing your work?
posted by phunniemee at 2:01 PM on June 25 [67 favorites]
Would you say you've been half assing your work?
posted by phunniemee at 2:01 PM on June 25 [67 favorites]
Please. The 30 minutes in the bathroom includes 1-2 minutes of actual pooping (at the beginning) and then a restful 28 minutes of reading one's favorite book. There may be a courtesy flush in there.
posted by Galvanic at 2:14 PM on June 25 [15 favorites]
posted by Galvanic at 2:14 PM on June 25 [15 favorites]
Anyone else feeling a bit confused by the instruction to pat instead of wipe? What is a pat supposed to do, exactly? I mean, I'll try it. Though I do feel skeptical.
posted by kaelynski at 2:21 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
posted by kaelynski at 2:21 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
I called my neighbor Pat to ask about it and he hung up on me.
posted by dr_dank at 2:29 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 2:29 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
Would you say you've been half assing your work?
You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. (Which is coincidentally how one performs an anal pap test.. )
posted by greatgefilte at 2:29 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. (Which is coincidentally how one performs an anal pap test.. )
posted by greatgefilte at 2:29 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
I worked at a dental school across from a hospital. One of the dentists was at the hospital in an elevator. A friend of the dentist, a proctologist, came into the elevator and said to the dentist, So, how’s life at the dirty end of the alimentary canal? True event…
posted by njohnson23 at 2:30 PM on June 25 [14 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 2:30 PM on June 25 [14 favorites]
one of the first jokes I heard, and a doozy for a 6-year-old:
what do mathematicians do about constipation?
they work it out with a pencil
posted by elkevelvet at 2:44 PM on June 25 [19 favorites]
what do mathematicians do about constipation?
they work it out with a pencil
posted by elkevelvet at 2:44 PM on June 25 [19 favorites]
( p a r t )( t i m e )
sorry, it was right there
posted by torokunai at 2:52 PM on June 25 [13 favorites]
sorry, it was right there
posted by torokunai at 2:52 PM on June 25 [13 favorites]
This is one the worse things about being a butler.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:54 PM on June 25 [12 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:54 PM on June 25 [12 favorites]
Patting is more gentle than wiping. You can laugh all you want, but I actually learned new things from that article that I have found useful. I did not buy a special poop stool for my bathroom. I bought a low plastic one from IKEA that works well.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:54 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 2:54 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
About 20 years ago, I helped out a buddy on an interview he was shooting for a major supplier of instructional pornography. The project was something like "Anal Sex for Beginners." The naked talent portion of the project was already shot, but the producer needed a behind-the-scenes interview. So I was a grip AND a PA for the shoot featuring an "expert on anal sex," who I shall call Dr. Buttsex after the nickname the rest of the crew gave him.
At some point, the interviewer asked Dr. Buttsex how, exactly, he had become an expert on anal sex. Dr. Buttsex blushed and muttered something about "just kinda falling into it" during undergrad. And I thought to myself "Buddy, no one earns a Ph.D. in anal sex without putting in some serious lab time."
posted by infinitewindow at 2:56 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
At some point, the interviewer asked Dr. Buttsex how, exactly, he had become an expert on anal sex. Dr. Buttsex blushed and muttered something about "just kinda falling into it" during undergrad. And I thought to myself "Buddy, no one earns a Ph.D. in anal sex without putting in some serious lab time."
posted by infinitewindow at 2:56 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
@kaelynski - as a lifelong IBS-er, i really do not think patting is going to do the job when the badness happens. Now, what I would say as a IANYD, is: don't go to town on your rear end with *anything*. You only got paper? Then do it gently. Even if that means you have to wipe more times. I know the "flushable" wipes are mostly not flushable, but they are far superior to regular paper, if one must wipe. Finally, I will say that if one can tolerate the oft-recommended psyllium fiber, you don't necessarily even need to take the full standard 1 rounded tsp. You can titrate up to see how that does, and it tends to bind stool together such that wiping is often *ZERO*. (make sure to drink enough water if you try the psyllium so you don't get constipation happening). voila!
posted by bitterkitten at 2:56 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
posted by bitterkitten at 2:56 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
OK, I have a serious bellyache with evolution over ass design: Hair-down-there and hemorrhoids appear to be a common side effect of becoming an old man. Who approved this? How is this OK?
posted by Popular Ethics at 2:57 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
posted by Popular Ethics at 2:57 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
Wouldn't that be more of a buttache?
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:01 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:01 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
many parts of the world that think is a good idea to wash your bottom with water, but article makes no mention of this.
Quoth the article: "Ideally, you should use a bidet or take a post-poop shower to clean your butt after you shit, as it introduces far less friction on that delicate skin than toilet paper."
posted by polecat at 3:21 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
Quoth the article: "Ideally, you should use a bidet or take a post-poop shower to clean your butt after you shit, as it introduces far less friction on that delicate skin than toilet paper."
posted by polecat at 3:21 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
It’s also common for people to use coffee and cigarettes ...
What, on their butt?
posted by scruss at 3:22 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
From the article: Often, the habit of reading on the toilet stuck. Some of you probably grew up with bookshelves or magazine racks next to the toilet.
Nah, we just had a pedestal table with a few Reader's Digests
posted by JoeXIII007 at 3:30 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
Nah, we just had a pedestal table with a few Reader's Digests
posted by JoeXIII007 at 3:30 PM on June 25 [7 favorites]
I thought you were supposed to read those right after eating, not wait until the final step of the process.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
"It’s also common for people to use coffee and cigarettes ...
What, on their butt?
On? No...
posted by phunniemee at 3:43 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
What, on their butt?
On? No...
posted by phunniemee at 3:43 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
phunniemee's contribution definitely has me thinking "just because we can doesn't mean we should"
coffee enemas
I will leave it to others to make the inevitable civet jokes
posted by elkevelvet at 3:46 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
coffee enemas
I will leave it to others to make the inevitable civet jokes
posted by elkevelvet at 3:46 PM on June 25 [4 favorites]
Incidentally, "inevitable civet" would make a great username.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:49 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:49 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
Also, my favorite thing about the coffee enema episode is when it came up in a text conversation with a friend and we got to have this exchange:
posted by phunniemee at 3:50 PM on June 25 [13 favorites]
That episode enraged me.me: they butt chug coffee ✨together✨
I was angrily single
and I was like. This woman butt chugs coffee and found someone.
And I could not
RIGHTI don't think that's possible, I think he was always butt chug curious
she converted him?
I couldn't get a second date
This woman snagged a man and FOR HIM TO BUTT CHUG COFFEE TOOOOOOAnyway, tl;dr find you a man who will butt chug coffee with you.
posted by phunniemee at 3:50 PM on June 25 [13 favorites]
The best/worst thing about IBS is how it inures you to talking about poop.
posted by thivaia at 3:53 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 3:53 PM on June 25 [5 favorites]
Gonna hafta pull a Bartleby (Buttleby?) on that one, phunniemee.
posted by humbug at 3:53 PM on June 25
posted by humbug at 3:53 PM on June 25
I call bullshit.
Yes, ideally, shower after shitting. However, what do you do to actually clean your ass? Even in the shower? Because if you're not doing something that will mechanically wipe and potentially risk washing away protective skin flora, you may not be cleaning your ass well enough to satisfy people closest to you. Which may matter to you more than you think. This doesn't mean scrub your asshole into oblivion. It doesn't mean spray your ass and call it good. It means to be aware of how much you need to clean in order to remove your crap. It may not be a task that is covered by universal advice or method.
People seem to like staking out territory on The Proper Way to Clean. I've seen people on Team Bidet declare that toilet paper is obsolete. Which is fine if it works for you. I've found the bidet alone to be inadequate, if for no other reason than I need to be dry to consider myself done. I've also found TP alone to generally be inadequate, and only a last resort in public/shared restrooms. The goal is to have a clean, comfortable ass, not evangelize for a method that may not work for everyone, or every time. Sometimes, a particularly sticky turd means resorting to soap and water may be the best path to a clean, comfortable ass. Other times, a dry wipe may suffice. I can say with confidence, patting is a method that will not suffice for me, nor with many, many others. If I understand Dr. Goldstein correctly, he's advocating a nearly symbolic method of cleaning. Thanks, but no.
posted by 2N2222 at 3:58 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
Yes, ideally, shower after shitting. However, what do you do to actually clean your ass? Even in the shower? Because if you're not doing something that will mechanically wipe and potentially risk washing away protective skin flora, you may not be cleaning your ass well enough to satisfy people closest to you. Which may matter to you more than you think. This doesn't mean scrub your asshole into oblivion. It doesn't mean spray your ass and call it good. It means to be aware of how much you need to clean in order to remove your crap. It may not be a task that is covered by universal advice or method.
People seem to like staking out territory on The Proper Way to Clean. I've seen people on Team Bidet declare that toilet paper is obsolete. Which is fine if it works for you. I've found the bidet alone to be inadequate, if for no other reason than I need to be dry to consider myself done. I've also found TP alone to generally be inadequate, and only a last resort in public/shared restrooms. The goal is to have a clean, comfortable ass, not evangelize for a method that may not work for everyone, or every time. Sometimes, a particularly sticky turd means resorting to soap and water may be the best path to a clean, comfortable ass. Other times, a dry wipe may suffice. I can say with confidence, patting is a method that will not suffice for me, nor with many, many others. If I understand Dr. Goldstein correctly, he's advocating a nearly symbolic method of cleaning. Thanks, but no.
posted by 2N2222 at 3:58 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
I saw a proctologist after my fourth child was born. An absolutely wonderful gentleman, great sense of humor, and his name was Browne. He had an original oil painting, very well done by a grateful patient, hanging behind his office desk with this subject.
You can't make this stuff up.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:00 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
You can't make this stuff up.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:00 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
Nope. I said way too much in the pee pee thread.
posted by atomicstone at 4:20 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
posted by atomicstone at 4:20 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
Poo-ly is not until next week.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:28 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:28 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: you may not be cleaning your ass well enough to satisfy people closest to you.
posted by chavenet at 4:28 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 4:28 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
Yeah as someone with IBS or SIBO or something, I don't see how patting is going to be clean, either. How can an expert write such a thing. I've recently tried both stools and relaxation, but patting? Really??
posted by polymodus at 4:51 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
posted by polymodus at 4:51 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
Never was [more inside] so portentous.
posted by tim_in_oz at 5:00 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
posted by tim_in_oz at 5:00 PM on June 25 [17 favorites]
Is this the place to ask what a coffee enema feels like? Do you get a blast of caffeine in your system all at once? How is it different from a regular enema? I'm not curious enough to try it but I can't be the only person wondering.
posted by monkeymike at 5:22 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
posted by monkeymike at 5:22 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
))<>((
posted by JohnFromGR at 5:36 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
posted by JohnFromGR at 5:36 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
Back and forth. Forever.
posted by hototogisu at 5:43 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
posted by hototogisu at 5:43 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]
muttered something about "just kinda falling into it"
"It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
posted by TedW at 5:44 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
"It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
posted by TedW at 5:44 PM on June 25 [8 favorites]
Yeah as someone with IBS or SIBO or something, I don't see how patting is going to be clean, either. How can an expert write such a thing. I've recently tried both stools and relaxation, but patting? Really??
As someone with IBS but also with really delicate/sensitive/irritable/fragile skin - gentle patting, lots of gentle patting, followed by a shower with a handheld shower head if that's not enough.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 5:46 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
As someone with IBS but also with really delicate/sensitive/irritable/fragile skin - gentle patting, lots of gentle patting, followed by a shower with a handheld shower head if that's not enough.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 5:46 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
one could butt-chug cold brew and snus for 'coffee and cigarettes'. not volunteering.
posted by j_curiouser at 6:02 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
posted by j_curiouser at 6:02 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
Is this the place to ask what a coffee enema feels like?
First, be smart from the very beginning: let the coffee cool first!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:49 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
First, be smart from the very beginning: let the coffee cool first!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:49 PM on June 25 [11 favorites]
Cold brew up the wazoo
posted by Sublimity at 7:11 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
posted by Sublimity at 7:11 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]
one could butt-chug cold brew and snus
Branding and logo strategy I had to purge for my mental health.
I'm sure it's not pronounced like that but still.
I apologize for what I have wrought.
posted by phunniemee at 7:25 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
Branding and logo strategy I had to purge for my mental health.
I'm sure it's not pronounced like that but still.
I apologize for what I have wrought.
posted by phunniemee at 7:25 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]
I am late to this thread, but I don't think I have laughed so hard in a while. I wish I could time travel and send the article to my boys when they were like 8 years old. Hilarity would ensue.
As for the coffee enemas , she does up tp FOUR a day. FOUR. And she allowed some program on TV to film herself doing it. She is proud of it. Wow. Just wow.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:03 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
As for the coffee enemas , she does up tp FOUR a day. FOUR. And she allowed some program on TV to film herself doing it. She is proud of it. Wow. Just wow.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:03 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
is Folgers in your butt.
posted by zippy at 12:01 AM on June 26 [21 favorites]
I just got back from a trip to Japan. I only encountered ONE toilet that didn’t have a whole array of bidet controls attached, and it was in a natural park. Even the trains and train stations had bidet toilets. After a week’s trip everything was much happier down there.
The last time I’d been in Japan was over twenty years ago, and some of the models I saw were clearly from that era, yet still going strong. So I placed an order for a Toto washlet to be installed immediately when I got home.
posted by antinomia at 12:02 AM on June 26 [5 favorites]
The last time I’d been in Japan was over twenty years ago, and some of the models I saw were clearly from that era, yet still going strong. So I placed an order for a Toto washlet to be installed immediately when I got home.
posted by antinomia at 12:02 AM on June 26 [5 favorites]
From TFA: Here’s what to do: when you feel the urge to go to the bathroom, find a toilet, sit down, wait the 30 seconds to a minute it should take for the poop to come out, gently pat your butt clean and dry, and leave the loo. Don’t forget to wash your hands.
Well, yeah.
It’s so simple, yet it doesn’t reflect most people’s habits
Was inclined to go, ??? But years lurking here exposed me to unexpected facets of western custom. People stay long enough to read ....
That said this will probably become more common here too, as western toilets become the norm and kids don't start with squatting (which pretty much produces speed) as a rule either.
But the other thing that I do wonder, as bidets become more known, do people also know that in practicing cultures with the habit, you ARE meant to still use your (left) hand to wash yourself at the same time? (Tho habits may change with mechanical bidets with high-pressure water.) As it is, it's water + manual cleaning* = that's why all's left to do with the towel/toilet paper is just to pat dry.
*Depending on which type of business or your seat type your hand comes down either from the front or the back. If you're not squatting, you have to be flexible with moving one of your legs around. I wonder if that explains why the stalls here are more sturdy than compared to some other places.
posted by cendawanita at 4:15 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Well, yeah.
It’s so simple, yet it doesn’t reflect most people’s habits
Was inclined to go, ??? But years lurking here exposed me to unexpected facets of western custom. People stay long enough to read ....
That said this will probably become more common here too, as western toilets become the norm and kids don't start with squatting (which pretty much produces speed) as a rule either.
But the other thing that I do wonder, as bidets become more known, do people also know that in practicing cultures with the habit, you ARE meant to still use your (left) hand to wash yourself at the same time? (Tho habits may change with mechanical bidets with high-pressure water.) As it is, it's water + manual cleaning* = that's why all's left to do with the towel/toilet paper is just to pat dry.
*Depending on which type of business or your seat type your hand comes down either from the front or the back. If you're not squatting, you have to be flexible with moving one of your legs around. I wonder if that explains why the stalls here are more sturdy than compared to some other places.
posted by cendawanita at 4:15 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Was inclined to go, ???
FWIW, growing up in western culture I never understood why people would bring reading material to the washroom, and I only realized in the past year or so that a lot of people apparently spend a long time sitting on the toilet. I remember skimming an article once (maybe from Metafilter) about how apparently most people (in the west, presumably) spend well over an hour (in total) a day in the washroom, and I'm also like ??? I'd guess I average something like 20-30 minutes. I mean, I also don't shower every day, but that's also recommended by dermatologists. Feel free to judge me all you want, western convention, I"ll take the free time and healthy skin in return.
p.s.: no judgement intended on anyone who struggles with issues that necessitate longer washroom times.
posted by Alex404 at 6:04 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
FWIW, growing up in western culture I never understood why people would bring reading material to the washroom, and I only realized in the past year or so that a lot of people apparently spend a long time sitting on the toilet. I remember skimming an article once (maybe from Metafilter) about how apparently most people (in the west, presumably) spend well over an hour (in total) a day in the washroom, and I'm also like ??? I'd guess I average something like 20-30 minutes. I mean, I also don't shower every day, but that's also recommended by dermatologists. Feel free to judge me all you want, western convention, I"ll take the free time and healthy skin in return.
p.s.: no judgement intended on anyone who struggles with issues that necessitate longer washroom times.
posted by Alex404 at 6:04 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
take a post-poop shower to clean your butt after you shit
I have a friend who admitted to doing this in lieu of wiping and he is no longer welcome in my home.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:18 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who admitted to doing this in lieu of wiping and he is no longer welcome in my home.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:18 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
Oh, once I got to a temperate climate I totally understand the not showering as often but it's definitely not something for a tropical and humid climate (dermatologists here would give different advice) - and even then you can see inland/mountain/higher altitude and coastal differences too: there are still Malaysian Chinese who would have the cultural convention of no morning showers versus the other folks who can take up to three baths/showers/dips in a day.
The water availability + heat + humidity is probably why water-washing your behind became the custom as well because just imagine all that sweat mingling with all your waste plus all the microbes all in their specific ecological niches because the conditions are so... well, ripe.
posted by cendawanita at 6:22 AM on June 26 [4 favorites]
The water availability + heat + humidity is probably why water-washing your behind became the custom as well because just imagine all that sweat mingling with all your waste plus all the microbes all in their specific ecological niches because the conditions are so... well, ripe.
posted by cendawanita at 6:22 AM on June 26 [4 favorites]
If you don't want to use wet wipes for the sake of the environment and/or your plumbing, I can recommend this stuff to make toilet paper less abrasive.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:06 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:06 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
I have a friend who admitted to doing this in lieu of wiping and he is no longer welcome in my home.
You're...*checks notes*
Shunning your friend for preferring to wash his butt? Explain?
posted by phunniemee at 7:16 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
You're...*checks notes*
Shunning your friend for preferring to wash his butt? Explain?
posted by phunniemee at 7:16 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
A well-known brand of hand shower is found in many houses and cabins in Finland - Oras Bidetta. There's some background information, and a copy of the famous advert, on their website. (yes I know the advert shows front use and not rear use, but it shows the truth of use)
Also, Philomena Cunk on a historical anus mystery.
posted by Wordshore at 7:16 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Also, Philomena Cunk on a historical anus mystery.
posted by Wordshore at 7:16 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
You're...*checks notes*
Shunning your friend for preferring to wash his butt? Explain?
I'm not letting my friend use my bathroom because he's getting poop all over my bathtub. That may be AOK for some people, but not for me. Showers and bathtubs are not for poop, full stop, end of story. Yes, I know kids poop in bathtubs all the time. I don't have kids.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:36 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
Shunning your friend for preferring to wash his butt? Explain?
I'm not letting my friend use my bathroom because he's getting poop all over my bathtub. That may be AOK for some people, but not for me. Showers and bathtubs are not for poop, full stop, end of story. Yes, I know kids poop in bathtubs all the time. I don't have kids.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:36 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
grumpybear69: I would guess that your friend is able to navigate various public spaces where he can't shower, perhaps falling back on the old methods. But your comment implies that he feels free to use your shower? That's wild. I can't remember the last time someone who wasn't an overnight guest who just up and used my shower.
Dudes. I love that you can issue a total ban on #2 at your house and he still comes over.
posted by zenon at 7:58 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Dudes. I love that you can issue a total ban on #2 at your house and he still comes over.
posted by zenon at 7:58 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
yo just wait until you hear about soap it's gonna blow your mind
posted by phunniemee at 8:08 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 8:08 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
OK apparently today is the day I learn that people are reading in the bathroom because they're...still trying to go? Rather than just getting some time to themselves/an extra little break from work??? I'll be damned.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:12 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:12 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
As someone who has recently developed some very painful and problematic hemorrhoids, this is of keen interest and help.
Also, I keep this video handy to send to my wife whenever I'm having a bad day.
posted by charred husk at 8:14 AM on June 26
Also, I keep this video handy to send to my wife whenever I'm having a bad day.
posted by charred husk at 8:14 AM on June 26
But your comment implies that he feels free to use your shower?
Yup, that's how it came off. He hasn't been to my house since he made that offhanded comment - this was years ago - and he's generally prone to making outlandish statements and very bad decisions, so I haven't had to actually enforce this rule, but I'll never forget what he said.
But hey, if there are those among us who, rather than use a bidet or TP, just get up all poopybutted, waltz over to the shower and do all of their cleanup there, hey, more power to you! I'm not here to judge what people do in their own homes. Just don't do it in my shower.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:32 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
Yup, that's how it came off. He hasn't been to my house since he made that offhanded comment - this was years ago - and he's generally prone to making outlandish statements and very bad decisions, so I haven't had to actually enforce this rule, but I'll never forget what he said.
But hey, if there are those among us who, rather than use a bidet or TP, just get up all poopybutted, waltz over to the shower and do all of their cleanup there, hey, more power to you! I'm not here to judge what people do in their own homes. Just don't do it in my shower.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:32 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]
I’ve been on a road trip this week, passing through Idaho, Montana, and Wyoming. So I’ve been reading lots of roadside historical markers about the Oregon Trail. And it had me thinking: how did these people wipe? Surely if you’re a frontier settler, you don’t have much toilet paper access.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:52 AM on June 26
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:52 AM on June 26
Just don't do it in my shower.
I would have assumed he's a Home Pooper, rather than using my shower, but I guess you have a point that some people might legitimately choose otherwise.
If you don't want to use wet wipes for the sake of the environment and/or your plumbing
I'm not sure that flushable wipes or non-flushable "baby" wipes are substantially different in production resources than toilet paper (especially if your situation requires a LOT of toilet paper), but many parts of the world do not flush any of it and instead put them in a trash receptacle that is emptied once or twice a day. If you have a complicated wiping situation, I highly recommend a bidet (attached or the squeeze bottle kind), some kind of moist wipes, a spray bottle of witch hazel to spray on your wipe if you have pain or inflammation or hemorrhoids because that's WAY cheaper that Tucks pads, and use a lidded bathroom trash receptacle or get a mini one that latches if you have pets who might get into an open trash can (and yes, this little can is also excellent for menstrual product disposal).
I swear this arrangement does not smell, even without scented wipes or the witch hazel, but you can certainly also make a little spray bottle of witch hazel and good-smelling oil to give it a surface spritz after disposal. It's not exactly pretty inside the container but if you have butt trouble including wiping challenges related to hair in the area, or hand/shoulder problems so that every wipe needs maximum efficiency, my pandemic/menopause 'roids and I are encouraging you to try it.
I prefer a bidet bottle to an attached cold-water system because at least the bottle water is generally at ambient room temperature. This is my go-to bottle format.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:58 AM on June 26 [5 favorites]
I would have assumed he's a Home Pooper, rather than using my shower, but I guess you have a point that some people might legitimately choose otherwise.
If you don't want to use wet wipes for the sake of the environment and/or your plumbing
I'm not sure that flushable wipes or non-flushable "baby" wipes are substantially different in production resources than toilet paper (especially if your situation requires a LOT of toilet paper), but many parts of the world do not flush any of it and instead put them in a trash receptacle that is emptied once or twice a day. If you have a complicated wiping situation, I highly recommend a bidet (attached or the squeeze bottle kind), some kind of moist wipes, a spray bottle of witch hazel to spray on your wipe if you have pain or inflammation or hemorrhoids because that's WAY cheaper that Tucks pads, and use a lidded bathroom trash receptacle or get a mini one that latches if you have pets who might get into an open trash can (and yes, this little can is also excellent for menstrual product disposal).
I swear this arrangement does not smell, even without scented wipes or the witch hazel, but you can certainly also make a little spray bottle of witch hazel and good-smelling oil to give it a surface spritz after disposal. It's not exactly pretty inside the container but if you have butt trouble including wiping challenges related to hair in the area, or hand/shoulder problems so that every wipe needs maximum efficiency, my pandemic/menopause 'roids and I are encouraging you to try it.
I prefer a bidet bottle to an attached cold-water system because at least the bottle water is generally at ambient room temperature. This is my go-to bottle format.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:58 AM on June 26 [5 favorites]
Wordshore: A well-known brand of hand shower is found in many houses and cabins in Finland - Oras Bidetta.
I've not checked the brand but on a recent trip to Finland I did indeed see similar small hand showers in EVERY toilet I used. People's homes, libraries, coffee shops, musea... if there is a toilet, there is a butt cleaning shower.
A+++ refreshing experience, can recommend.
I liked it so much that we have one at home now. Complete with tiny square towels.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:43 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
I've not checked the brand but on a recent trip to Finland I did indeed see similar small hand showers in EVERY toilet I used. People's homes, libraries, coffee shops, musea... if there is a toilet, there is a butt cleaning shower.
A+++ refreshing experience, can recommend.
I liked it so much that we have one at home now. Complete with tiny square towels.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:43 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
But your comment implies that he feels free to use your shower?
I have a friend whose family member is a shower after pooper. It's socially weird, like saying that you don't ever wear shoes.
Also, I don't much like bidets. They are entirely too slow and only cut tp usage in half at best.
Also, most people sit and read on the toilet. That's why they are in there a long time. Not because they can't poop. A bathroom is a quiet refuge (unless you are a parent I guess). I'm honesty surprised office toilets are still so terrible given they are the refuge from the noise at least for a few minutes.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:02 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
I have a friend whose family member is a shower after pooper. It's socially weird, like saying that you don't ever wear shoes.
Also, I don't much like bidets. They are entirely too slow and only cut tp usage in half at best.
Also, most people sit and read on the toilet. That's why they are in there a long time. Not because they can't poop. A bathroom is a quiet refuge (unless you are a parent I guess). I'm honesty surprised office toilets are still so terrible given they are the refuge from the noise at least for a few minutes.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:02 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
I've not checked the brand but on a recent trip to Finland I did indeed see similar small hand showers in EVERY toilet I used.
This is true. I always use the ubiquitous hand shower a little bit, then wipe I guess normally with enough paper not to get my hand wet. I have to wipe once, maybe twice sometimes. This habit does increase my water bill since I have a bit more active colon than most people I've discussed this with but it is one of the cornerstones of a happy ass for me.
posted by fridgebuzz at 11:50 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
This is true. I always use the ubiquitous hand shower a little bit, then wipe I guess normally with enough paper not to get my hand wet. I have to wipe once, maybe twice sometimes. This habit does increase my water bill since I have a bit more active colon than most people I've discussed this with but it is one of the cornerstones of a happy ass for me.
posted by fridgebuzz at 11:50 AM on June 26 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: the cornerstones of a happy ass for me.
posted by Wordshore at 11:56 AM on June 26 [4 favorites]
posted by Wordshore at 11:56 AM on June 26 [4 favorites]
If you're a home-pooper, the poop-to-shower pipeline is just fine. I'm a home-pooper and have amazing poop retaining abilities. My son is the same way; it must be genetic. On the other hand, I have a friend who is an equal-opportunity pooper wherever he goes -- bowling alley, punk rock bar, anywhere. Pooping contains multitudes.
posted by slogger at 1:05 PM on June 26 [3 favorites]
posted by slogger at 1:05 PM on June 26 [3 favorites]
In these places where public toilets have bidet attachments: do they tend to have higher rates of norovirus and other fecal-borne illnesses? It seems like a bidet attachment would massively increase the number of touch points/fomites after each poop. And even if one is fastidious about handwashing, you still have to maneuver around your pants, belt, leggings, purse, etc. etc. before you get to the handwashing sink.
A public bidet sounds very nice and pleasant in a world without germs. But in the world we actually inhabit...I'm just not sure.
posted by knotty knots at 1:21 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
A public bidet sounds very nice and pleasant in a world without germs. But in the world we actually inhabit...I'm just not sure.
posted by knotty knots at 1:21 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Sounds awkward and potentially painful. The multitudes, I mean.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:22 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 1:22 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
Can we please have a conversation about how nigh impossible it is in the modern world to be able to dash off to poo when you feel the urge? And when you do find the time, by god, you should savor it and finish off that article you started yesterday because for some of us, pooping is the actual only solitary time we have (when not in a car.)
I would love to be able to poop when the urge hits, but thanks to my very obnoxious body, that usually happens in the middle of a meeting, or on previously mentioned commute, or when the dogs need walking, or when my spouse needs help doing something Very Important.
I hope that one day, I'll have a life that allows me to poop when I need to and also have the quiet and mental space to read an interesting article or finish the damn crossword in peace without having to lock myself in the bathroom.
posted by teleri025 at 1:27 PM on June 26
I would love to be able to poop when the urge hits, but thanks to my very obnoxious body, that usually happens in the middle of a meeting, or on previously mentioned commute, or when the dogs need walking, or when my spouse needs help doing something Very Important.
I hope that one day, I'll have a life that allows me to poop when I need to and also have the quiet and mental space to read an interesting article or finish the damn crossword in peace without having to lock myself in the bathroom.
posted by teleri025 at 1:27 PM on June 26
you still have to maneuver around your pants, belt, leggings, purse, etc. etc. before you get to the handwashing sink.
In the Finish model, the handwashing sink is generally right there in the stall. The bidet/hand shower is attached to it. So you can generally wash your hands before rearranging your clothes.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:17 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
In the Finish model, the handwashing sink is generally right there in the stall. The bidet/hand shower is attached to it. So you can generally wash your hands before rearranging your clothes.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:17 PM on June 26 [2 favorites]
What's the strangest place you've ever pooped in?
Mine was probably Windsor Castle, at a private event hosted by Prince William. I suddenly needed to launch a torpedo, found my way to the toilets (which may not have been for guests - the place is an utter maze of doors and passages), sat down to "fire when ready, cap'n" and looked up to find a giant picture of William's gran on the back of the door, staring down at me.
Plop.
posted by Wordshore at 2:30 PM on June 26 [6 favorites]
Mine was probably Windsor Castle, at a private event hosted by Prince William. I suddenly needed to launch a torpedo, found my way to the toilets (which may not have been for guests - the place is an utter maze of doors and passages), sat down to "fire when ready, cap'n" and looked up to find a giant picture of William's gran on the back of the door, staring down at me.
Plop.
posted by Wordshore at 2:30 PM on June 26 [6 favorites]
Stool Britannia!
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:24 PM on June 26 [8 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:24 PM on June 26 [8 favorites]
Long to poop over us
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:21 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:21 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]
oh god is it poo month again
posted by automatronic at 2:52 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
posted by automatronic at 2:52 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
oh god is it poo month again
No, that's 'Fecal February' - so there's some time to go before the Front Page of MetaFilter literally becomes a wall of shit.
posted by Wordshore at 3:28 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
No, that's 'Fecal February' - so there's some time to go before the Front Page of MetaFilter literally becomes a wall of shit.
posted by Wordshore at 3:28 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
@fesshole.bsky.social: Was camping and didn't have any toilet roll so had to wipe my bum with a bread roll.
posted by Wordshore at 8:27 AM on June 27
posted by Wordshore at 8:27 AM on June 27
re: nations with bidet attachments and Norovirus Rates
this metanalaysis suggests lower asymptomatic infections in Japan/Korea (where they have higher rates of bidet attachments) and India (where many places, i believe, have a different kind of attachment)
posted by i used to be someone else at 9:17 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
this metanalaysis suggests lower asymptomatic infections in Japan/Korea (where they have higher rates of bidet attachments) and India (where many places, i believe, have a different kind of attachment)
posted by i used to be someone else at 9:17 AM on June 27 [1 favorite]
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