from "ASAP" to "betimes"

August 6, 2024 5:41 PM

"I’m working on a list of corporate jargon alternatives." Matt Watson proposes that we replace modern business phrases with "equally swanky alternatives from English of a bygone era." Examples: changing "I will check on that and circle back with you." to "I will investigate the matter and bring thee word again." and switching from "This is our new normal." to "Of such is our new state of affairs."
posted by brainwane (45 comments total)

This is giving me strong vibes of the 9 Conversational Tricks to Make People Think You are Cool and Theoden, King of Rohan.
posted by neuracnu at 5:44 PM on August 6 [25 favorites]

Regular intercourse is the key to success.

Regrettably, after due consultation with the Human Resources department…
posted by gelfin at 5:53 PM on August 6 [14 favorites]

I rejoiced aloud.
posted by chococat at 5:56 PM on August 6 [7 favorites]

As I hinted in my outstanding missive,
posted by box at 6:00 PM on August 6 [17 favorites]

Is there a movement among The Kids to bring back "thee/thou/thy/thine"? Because if so, count this Near-Oldie in too.
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:26 PM on August 6 [3 favorites]

Gender-neutral, elevated, I’m here for it.
posted by box at 6:29 PM on August 6 [2 favorites]

I sometimes tell people, even at work,"I shall return anon," they seem to get it.
posted by vrakatar at 6:35 PM on August 6 [6 favorites]

Someone found a way to talk that is even more annoying than corporate jargon. Cool!
posted by ManInSuit at 6:39 PM on August 6 [2 favorites]

9 Conversational Tricks to Make People Think You are Cool and Theoden, King of Rohan

My brother and I used to quote The Two Towers at each other all the time, especially while playing strategy games. One favorite was Denethor’s flowery version of “don’t rub it in, asshole”: “Stir not the bitterness in the cup that I mixed for myself,” said Denethor. “Have I not tasted it now many nights upon my tongue, foreboding that worse lay in the dregs?”
posted by mubba at 6:43 PM on August 6 [16 favorites]

Part of my professional undertakings entail beseeching people to write in a more plainspoken manner. Methinks this guide may prove handy for showing them the error of their maundering and prolix ways.

(This was funny, thank you!)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:05 PM on August 6 [5 favorites]

It is, as was asked in all our correspondence, not withstanding the flights of fancy found in idle chatter, complete. A thought not worth the pen is not worth the effort of doing.

(If you can't actually be bother the write out the change request, you have no right to expect it.)
posted by Ignorantsavage at 7:14 PM on August 6 [4 favorites]

Doth thou flippantly expound in ye olde english? That be a smitin'.
posted by lalochezia at 7:21 PM on August 6 [1 favorite]

Changing this state needs to be more business friendly to who will rid me of this troublesome regulation? would feel more honest if not less loathsome.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:46 PM on August 6 [10 favorites]

My attempt at a contribution:

Ping -> Beckon

I'll ping you when I'm ready to review the layout.

Whenas I am prepared to join in intercourse on the layout, I shall beckon thee.
posted by gunwalefunnel at 9:59 PM on August 6 [8 favorites]

Oh, man. Talk Like A Pirate Day gonna be swanky!
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 10:21 PM on August 6 [4 favorites]

I sometimes tell people, even at work,"I shall return anon," they seem to get it.
posted by vrakatar

You're sure they don't just think you're switching to your alt account?
posted by darksasami at 10:25 PM on August 6 [6 favorites]

Apparently 'Regular intercourse is the key to success' doesn't back-translate well in the workplace.
posted by dg at 10:40 PM on August 6

i think the charm of this approach would buy me enough time to leave the room. sometimes that’s all you need… moderate lamentations, but i despair and must with haste away from this weary zoom meeting!
posted by tamarack at 10:49 PM on August 6 [4 favorites]

If “regular intercourse is the key to success” translates to “fuck those guys”, I’d say my coworkers have the strategy down.
posted by shock muppet at 10:50 PM on August 6 [3 favorites]

I've always hated the phrase "going forward". We have a perfectly servicable "in future" already.

I resent the implication that it's a relentless march of progress. Most of the time, particularly in the business world, it very much isn't.
posted by Acey at 11:37 PM on August 6 [1 favorite]

It is, as was asked in all our correspondence, not withstanding the flights of fancy found in idle chatter, complete. A thought not worth the pen is not worth the effort of doing.

The ye olde thee/thou stuff's too twee for my tastes, but this kind of thing? I think I would finally be able to work in a corporate environment.

Could we have a Write Like 16th-To-Early-19th-Century British Philosophers day on Metafilter? Instead of favorites you get semicolons, and very long dashes?
posted by trig at 1:44 AM on August 7 [4 favorites]

Looking good.

Thou look’st like Antichrist in that fornicating hat.
posted by Phanx at 3:11 AM on August 7 [2 favorites]

Stop trying to make Zwounds happen.
posted by Ishbadiddle at 6:11 AM on August 7 [6 favorites]

I was at a meeting once in Nova Scotia and they really said "betimes" although not in the sense intended in the piece. Not meaning "as quickly as possible" but more like "sometimes" e.g. "Betimes we take the ferry."
posted by zadcat at 6:26 AM on August 7 [1 favorite]

My gag reflex for corporate speak is so strong that as soon as I picked up the sort of translated vibe in these, I began gagging just as hard on these.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:47 AM on August 7

It does highlight how trendy for the sole sake of being trendy most corporate speech is. It's not like there aren't a few hundred years' worth of other ways to say things like "ideate" or "pivot" or "upskilling".

(Trying to convince someone to maybe just say "think" instead of "ideate" once in a while is one of those things you should do when you're feeling too cheerful and need to remind yourself humanity is doomed.)
posted by trig at 7:17 AM on August 7 [2 favorites]

But then again there are signs that maybe we're coming full circle on some terms. Maybe there's a multi-century cycle on lexical trends the way there's a 20-year cycle with fashion. Consider the journey of "journey".

Maybe later generations will earnestly describe their personal voyages learning to generate reports — their rewarding crossfit odysseys — their incredible passages and pilgrimages and peregrinations to scrum masterhood.
posted by trig at 7:31 AM on August 7

It's really all I can do not to run to the end of the conference room and jump through the window to my death when someone begins a meeting by recounting their "journey" i.e., the list of boring jobs that brought them to this boring job.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:52 AM on August 7 [2 favorites]

I've always hated the phrase "going forward". We have a perfectly servicable "in future" already.

imho you can almost always just skip both phrases, since whatever comes after "in future" is hardly going to refer to something in the past or present. you can't make changes in past, after all. Anyone who genuinely doesn't know whether we're going to start frobnicating the widgets using the reticulation process in the future or in the past has a truly unusual relationship to the passage of time.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:20 AM on August 7 [2 favorites]

when someone begins a meeting by recounting their "journey"

I was once stuck on a train a few seats away from a woman who was on a prolonged business call. Over the course of what seemed like a week but was probably an hour or so, I was subjected to:

- Problems recast as "challenges"
- Experts and/or advocates being called "champions"
- The phrase--used without a single trace of irony--"holding the customer's hand through their innovation journey"

It's a miracle I didn't pry open the emergency doors and hurl myself into the nearest soft-looking hedge.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:43 AM on August 7 [6 favorites]

you can almost always just skip both phrases, since whatever comes after "in future" is hardly going to refer to something in the past or present

In my experience, "going forward" isn't about stating the obvious, but acts as a signal that we are not going to waste time rehashing the past and we are going to focus on solutions rather than blame, because there are a lot of people who want to make the conversation about blame when something goes wrong. It's an interesting usage, because the true meaning of the phrase is entirely subtext.
posted by A Most Curious Rabbit at 9:23 AM on August 7 [9 favorites]

Could we have a Write Like 16th-To-Early-19th-Century British Philosophers day on Metafilter?

marvelous idea, my dear fellow! i approve wholeheartedly
posted by HearHere at 9:25 AM on August 7 [1 favorite]

It's a miracle I didn't pry open the emergency doors and hurl myself into the nearest soft-looking hedge.

So you rejected a proactive pivot is what you're saying.


marvelous idea, my dear fellow!

Okay, 16th-To-Early-19th-Century British Philosophers but gender inclusive ;-)
posted by trig at 10:13 AM on August 7 [1 favorite]

Instead of "it is what it is," I have been using famed 20th Century Urban Poet Tyrone Greene's "the situation is as such."
posted by whuppy at 10:35 AM on August 7 [1 favorite]

Back in January, I was on OKC and had to catch myself

What I had written was “I would like to accelerate the timetable for in-person synchronization”

What I had meant was “I would like to take you on a date”

I have been a manager for too long
posted by 1024 at 10:42 AM on August 7 [7 favorites]

Really, all expression could use more "lest." (Also, "fettered" is an excellent word.)

This is so great, brainwane! Thank you for posting it.
posted by kristi at 12:03 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]

Needs more subdivisions!

Mixing up all “old fashioned” words as though they were interoperable is tin-eared. Mixing up short forceful very early modern farming-metaphor phrases with pseudo Latin that loves to smell of the lamp with borrowed French that’s all class based in jokes is clunky.
posted by clew at 1:29 PM on August 7

If this trend means I can walk into client meetings like this I'm in!

(link may contain BRIAN BLESSED)
posted by JohnFromGR at 1:50 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]

I've always hated the phrase "going forward". We have a perfectly servicable "in future" already.

Henceforth is right there. And it's compact -- just one bi-syllabic word.
I have used both thusly and lest in emails at work.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:52 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]

If we're going for compactness then reject, renounce, and eschew the modern monstrosity "thusly". For "thus" is both an adverb and older than corporate environments.
posted by trig at 3:26 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]

When anyone says unto me, "I'm sorry," I say unto them "No sorrow is needed, my friend."
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:31 AM on August 8

It would be an improvement on the business school wankspeak that prevails currently.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 12:57 AM on August 8

> Could we have a Write Like 16th-To-Early-19th-Century British Philosophers day on Metafilter?

I'm internally debating hosting a Ye Olde Mastodone server.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:04 AM on August 9 [1 favorite]

When ending a pointless meeting early because there was nothing to talk about because, as noted, the meeting was pointless:

"Guess I can give you back your time" --> "You may reverse the hourglass in your favor."

I'm not fettered to this and am open to suggestions.
posted by HeroZero at 7:15 AM on August 10

“Come, we burn daylight, ho!”
posted by clew at 12:21 PM on August 10