Preparing a turkey the MANLY way

November 16, 2007 7:00 AM

Preparing a turkey the MANLY way. Naturally, one of them involves a lot of bacon.
posted by spock (86 comments total)

With a name like "turducken" it has to be good.
posted by psmealey at 7:10 AM on November 16, 2007

Man, I had no idea that a Turducken looked so nasty on the inside.
posted by mkb at 7:11 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I did make a turducken last year and it was 39 kinds of amazing.
posted by indiebass at 7:13 AM on November 16, 2007

Emosturduckeniwinch.
posted by loquacious at 7:15 AM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Nice tags.
posted by notsnot at 7:19 AM on November 16, 2007

AB did an episode on how to safely deep-fry a turkey.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:30 AM on November 16, 2007

Just for the record, deep fried turkey is one of the best things on the planet. I was utterly astonished at how tasty it was when some friends made it a few years ago.
posted by psmealey at 7:33 AM on November 16, 2007

This list is laughable since it doesn't include "Smoked Turkey." I'm SO done with fried turkeys and the abomination that is the Turducken. This year, I'm going to brine me a good sized bird (20 pounds? Where's the fucking army I'm feeding?) and then slow smoke it over hickory chunks for hours and hours.

Simple? Yes, but wonderful. You want fancy? That will come in my shrimp, oyster and artichoke mirliton dressing.
posted by ColdChef at 7:34 AM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

And someone explain to me why I'd want a fucking turkey that tasted like Heineken. CAN should never supercede SHOULD.
posted by ColdChef at 7:37 AM on November 16, 2007

I'm so crashing ColdChef's Thanksgiving dinner.
posted by psmealey at 7:38 AM on November 16, 2007

I saw the bacon-turkey bit on Chowhound last week (I think), but I gotta say, the turkey in the video looks nothing like the turkey in the picture. The photo-turkey has delicious, crispy, mohagany-colored bacon, while the video-turkey's bacon looks translucent and flaccid. It's probably a matter of lighting, but watching the video somehow turned me off to the idea of bacon-wrapped turkey. And I will put bacon into or onto anything.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:38 AM on November 16, 2007

I'm so crashing ColdChef's Thanksgiving dinner.

All are welcome. Bring an appetite.
posted by ColdChef at 7:40 AM on November 16, 2007

ColdChef -- I'm with you on grill smoking a Turkey. Who needs bacon when you can get a bird with a crispy hickory-scented skin?

Though, I should say that, while I've never done a beer-can turkey, I've never found beer-can chicken to really take on too much of the beer's flavor. The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider. If I were to do it again, I'd probably fill an empty beer can with some kind of strong tea like Lapsang Souchong.
posted by bl1nk at 7:41 AM on November 16, 2007

My Boy Scout troop went camping every month. Each patrol (of 5-6 boys) would cook for themselves and end up eating such delicacies as lasagna with dirt in it, peach cobbler with dirt in it, and occasionally beef stew with leaves in it. We looked forward to the January campout, when we'd usually go to St. Francis Girl Scout camp (otherwise abandoned for the winter) and the adults would make food while we did some sort of work project so we didn't have to pay for the campsite. For instance, one year I remember we spent the whole day hauling wood across the frozen lake on a toboggan. We called this campout "The Scoutmaster's Banquet" and it usually featured the best food of the year. Plus we'd eat it inside a 100°F cabin thanks to a roaring fireplace.

I mention this because my favorite Boy Scout meal ever was when they cooked a turkey in a garbage can. If you plan to do this at home, it's important to note that they used a metal garbage can. They set out a bed of coals a couple inches thick and as wide as the mouth of the can. In the center, they put a spit sticking perpendicular to the ground, on which was the turkey. The garbage can went upside down over the spit and the coals, and more coals went on top (i.e. the bottom of the can).

No Thanksgiving meal will ever be able to beat that Scoutmaster's Banquet.
posted by Plutor at 7:41 AM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Any recipe that does not involve lots of bacon is about as manly as a vagina with tits.
posted by secret about box at 7:47 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

My patrol always ate well. I'm just sayin. Scouting was where I learned to cook. Other guys would have fishing kits, I'd have a tacklebox filled with sage, rosemary and Tony's Chachere.

We never did garbage can turkey, but I did learn how to boil an egg in a paper cup.
posted by ColdChef at 7:49 AM on November 16, 2007

Bah. The turducken is a feeble shadow of The River Cottage Multibird Roast.

You need a whole free range turkey (not a monster, 10-12 kilos is about right) and a whole goose (6-7kg). And then a selection of 8-10 smaller birds, all plucked and drawn (ie oven ready).

For the stuffing, you need 1 kilo of fatty sausagemeat, 250g streaky bacon, 100g breadcrumbs, fresh sage, brandy, port and red wine. You can also add chestnuts and/or apples.
posted by zamboni at 7:53 AM on November 16, 2007

I'm sorry, that Channel 5 News video on the dangers of deep fryin' is just too fucking awesome.
posted by cortex at 8:03 AM on November 16, 2007

re: The River Cottage Multibird Roast.
You also need some good butcher’s string and a darning needle.

"Doesn't sound manly enough to me", he said misogynistically.
posted by spock at 8:05 AM on November 16, 2007

Fine. A damning needle.
posted by cortex at 8:07 AM on November 16, 2007 [10 favorites]

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing?
posted by Dr. Wu at 8:11 AM on November 16, 2007

I cook my turkeys while wearing an plaid apron, with a pinky extended as I delicately squeeze the baster's bulb. Not very manly, but very juicy and delicious. Manly != automatically good.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:14 AM on November 16, 2007

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing?

Yes. Yes, I do.
posted by ColdChef at 8:19 AM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

ColdChef: "My patrol always ate well. I'm just sayin. Scouting was where I learned to cook. Other guys would have fishing kits, I'd have a tacklebox filled with sage, rosemary and Tony's Chachere."

The bit about dirt and leaves was exaggerrated. A little. Frequently, we ate well and we loved what we made. Boy Scouts is timed very well: when I started as a 12-year-old, I was still malleable, but I'd never even considered cooking for myself, let alone made a balanced menu or grocery shopped alone.

I boiled an egg in a paper cup once, during my OA Ordeal. Nevar again!

Turkey. Manliness. On-topic.
posted by Plutor at 8:20 AM on November 16, 2007

And someone explain to me why I'd want a fucking turkey that tasted like Heineken.

Clearly you wouldn't. But I would do just about anything for a turkey that tasted like Tupper's Hop Pocket.

But yeah, the beer doesn't add to the taste, really. I made some beer-can chicken with Iron City, and it tasted fantastic. Though not as good as your smoked-turkey is going to be, I'm sure.
posted by god hates math at 8:23 AM on November 16, 2007

I boiled an egg in a paper cup once, during my OA Ordeal.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh...
posted by ColdChef at 8:26 AM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm sort of amused that CHOW's bacon wrapped turkey has been declared manly. Manly is not a word I'd used to describe Kate and Aida, who developed that recipe.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:28 AM on November 16, 2007

I'm doing a bird this weekend (going elswhere for the big T). Bacon might be the way to go. It will definitely involve a lot of acorn squash, whole garlic cloves, and onion, apple and pear chunks.
posted by lodurr at 8:33 AM on November 16, 2007

Just use Alton Brown's turkey derrick[PDF, 1.7 megs].
posted by entropicamericana at 8:34 AM on November 16, 2007

re: The River Cottage Multibird Roast.
Please DO NOT use ... well-hung game birds

"Doesn't sound manly enough to me"
posted by MtDewd at 8:40 AM on November 16, 2007

From zamboni's link:

NOTE: Please DO NOT use very high or well-hung game birds, as they will contaminate the subtle flavours of the other birds.

I am ambivalent about the manliness of this instruction.
posted by darksasami at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2007

D'oh!
posted by darksasami at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2007

One day of snow in the Washington,D.C. area and the whole city panics. Two days of snow in D.C. and it's cannibal time.
My neighbors all look like meat to me. Bon Appetite Turkies!
posted by doctorschlock at 8:49 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Dude, they're, like, so much tastier when they're high. Dude. Dude.
posted by lodurr at 8:49 AM on November 16, 2007

It'd be even awesomer wrapped in an authentic parisian crepe.
posted by flotson at 8:50 AM on November 16, 2007

I made a Bacon Turkey 5 years ago and now I take Lipitor every night.
posted by doctorschlock at 8:50 AM on November 16, 2007

Yes, but will it blend?
posted by chimaera at 8:51 AM on November 16, 2007

Bah! Use olive oil and stuff it,
posted by Mblue at 8:56 AM on November 16, 2007

cranberry.
posted by Mblue at 8:57 AM on November 16, 2007

brine + smoke + butter - stuffing = a turkey they still talk about with a far-away-look in their eyes.
posted by ogre at 8:57 AM on November 16, 2007

Use olive oil and stuff it

It'd be safer with a water-based lube; I think olive oil dissolves latex.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:58 AM on November 16, 2007

Keep the olive oil. Lose the latex. This thread has clearly escaped containment
posted by spock at 9:04 AM on November 16, 2007

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing?

Yes. Yes, I do.
posted by ColdChef at 11:19 AM on November 16

Ya wiseguy. You gonna share it, or is it, like, a state secret or something? I'll trade you a recipe. You like Brussels sprouts? (I serve those at Thanksgiving.) I have a great recipe for 'em.
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:06 AM on November 16, 2007

Manly?? None of these 'recipes' involve digging trenches, hauling rocks and banana trees, explosive lighting effects, loading in tons of wrapped food, and then hanging out all night to watch and 'talk story' ... the Hawaiians know manly.

It's not hard to find a neighborhood imu for your turkey. Jump in and kokua -- help with the work.

Don't forget the spam.
posted by Surfurrus at 9:07 AM on November 16, 2007

You like Brussels sprouts?

Possibly.
posted by Mblue at 9:08 AM on November 16, 2007

Wow, I can hardly wait to try all these recipes when Thanksgiving comes around again.
posted by GuyZero at 9:10 AM on November 16, 2007

I'm going to make a Turducken, but I'm going to stick a quail inside the chicken.

Turduckenail!

And then I'm going to cover it in bacon and deep fry the whole thing.
posted by cazoo at 9:10 AM on November 16, 2007

You gonna share it, or is it, like, a state secret or something?

Ummm...check your MeFi Mail. I sent it to you half an hour ago.
posted by ColdChef at 9:12 AM on November 16, 2007

Turduckenailary!
Turduckenailudgie!


Too far? Those small birds are just too cute to eat.
posted by god hates math at 9:14 AM on November 16, 2007

Plutor:

Ut up-shay on the O-ay A-ay!
posted by sourwookie at 9:15 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm hoping to one day deep fry a turkey in goose fat. I'm saving up the fat in my freezer. Goose fat is magical.
posted by StickyCarpet at 9:23 AM on November 16, 2007

Jive Turkey!
posted by doctorschlock at 9:23 AM on November 16, 2007

For all us Turkites. We all agree that the best part of the turkey is that leftover turkey sandwich with all the fixins.
posted by doctorschlock at 9:27 AM on November 16, 2007

Ooh! My first MeFi mail!
Thanks!
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:35 AM on November 16, 2007

That bacon turkey looks like Dali cooked it.
posted by VicNebulous at 9:37 AM on November 16, 2007

There are three types of recipes/food items bound to get the attention of the media, and in turn get regular folks talking about them:

• Item x wrapped in bacon, where x = hamburger, turkey, or other similar item.
• Item y that has been deep fried, where y = some item you wouldn't expect to be deep fried, or demonstrates the gluttony of America, or both. Deep fried coke , deep fried cheeseburgers, and deep fried snickers come to mind.
• An expensive version of Item z. Examples include the $100 hamburger, the $1000 martini, or $25000 ice cream sundae.

This isn't a criticism on my part, simply an observation.
posted by AccidentalHedonist at 10:01 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is it just me, or does that bacon-wrapped turkey look like it's ready to curse you and your descendants for unsealing its ancient tomb?
posted by ook at 10:12 AM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

That bacon-wrapped turkey is cursed only if you eat it cold.
Thousands of years ago.........
posted by doctorschlock at 10:14 AM on November 16, 2007

Wrapping in bacon does not = manly.

Cooking with napalm = manly.
posted by quin at 10:21 AM on November 16, 2007

A coupla T-day's ago, my roommate, who happens to be a cook, made our turkeys at work. One bacon wrapped, and one spicy blackened Turkey. Deeee-licious on both counts. The highlight of that dinner, however was watching through the window while we ate dinner, as our neighbors attempted to deep-fry a bird. Not only did they obviously not know what they were doing, but once they got the turkey in, it started to rain. So they cover the entire contraption with an umbrella.

In the spirit of the holiday, and neighborly good cheer, we immediately begin betting on how long it would take the umbrella to catch on fire.

It burned before I could finish my mashed potatoes.
posted by billyfleetwood at 10:29 AM on November 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

You wouldn't have done that if the post button was tofurkey!
posted by Plutor at 10:47 AM on November 16, 2007

Woah. I did not hit post twice.

Yes, there's a way you can do it without seeming to hit the post button twice. I know. I did it. Naturally I didn't test it all to hell, but basically you just have to stutter with your finger a little bit, as I recall.
posted by lodurr at 10:51 AM on November 16, 2007

I like turkey the old-fashioned way. Stop fucking with it.
posted by space2k at 10:52 AM on November 16, 2007

For ColdChef and all Brussels sprouts lovers:

ingredients:
- B-sprouts
- shallots
- butter
- parsley
- salt
- pepper

1. figure out how shallot-y you want your sprouts, and chop as many shallots as you like. I use about 2-3 shallots per pound or so of sprouts.

2. cut the ends off the sprouts, and notch each stem end with an X about a half-inch deep (helps 'em cook more evenly). Alternatively, you could halve them.

3. steam the sprouts until they're nice and richly green. DO NOT OVERCOOK. They should be fork-tender.

4. While the sprouts are steaming, melt the butter and sauté the shallots once the pan is hot enough.

5. Take a whole mess of parsley and chop it pretty roughly.

6. Toss steamed sprouts with the buttery shallots, chopped parsley, and salt and pepper to taste.

7. Consume! So good.
posted by Dr. Wu at 11:43 AM on November 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

Alas, wonderful as it sounds, I live in a non-shallot household. I'd have to eat the whole damn dish of cabbage-ite and onion-oid myself. (I'm just not that anti-social in real life.)
posted by lodurr at 12:03 PM on November 16, 2007

- butter

If by "butter" you mean "bacon drippings," then sure.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:09 PM on November 16, 2007

Alas, wonderful as it sounds, I live in a non-shallot household.

Someone who would eat sprouts but not shallots needs an MRI badly.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 12:17 PM on November 16, 2007

Dr. Wu, have you got a variation on that that doesn't require brussels sprouts? Other than that, it sounds faboo.
posted by cortex at 12:21 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Actually, yeah, you could use any of the veggies related to the humble sprout: kale, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower (not a favorite of mine, but still) and so forth. I used kale once in this recipe, and it was damn good. But I urge you to give the B-sprout another chance! Those suckers are delicious, if cooked right.
posted by Dr. Wu at 12:27 PM on November 16, 2007

Those suckers are delicious, if cooked rightin bacon fat.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:31 PM on November 16, 2007

Actually, yeah

Hopes raised.

kale, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower

Hopes dashed.
posted by cortex at 12:32 PM on November 16, 2007

I think it was in Cook's Illustrated that I saw that great recipe for brussel sprouts cooked in bacon fat...
posted by jacquilynne at 12:41 PM on November 16, 2007

Shh, I don't want anyone to know that I'm posting this comment "from Vermont."
posted by uncleozzy at 12:54 PM on November 16, 2007

I'm only a simple country girl, but I defy anyone to find something turkey-related and manlier than this.
posted by Evangeline at 1:07 PM on November 16, 2007

I think it was in Cook's Illustrated that I saw that great recipe for cardboard cooked in bacon fat...

Goose or duck fat works too.
posted by ryoshu at 1:08 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Turducken would be even more manly if you shot the various birds into each other with cannons.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:42 PM on November 16, 2007

This is a manly recipe for turkey.
posted by elmono at 2:50 PM on November 16, 2007

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Ummm...check your MeFi Mail. I sent it to you half an hour ago.

Willing to share once more? I'm sure you know way more than I do when it comes to savory stuff, but I've got some pretty good dessert recipes I could throw your way...
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 5:01 PM on November 16, 2007

This is basically it, except that I use real butter, a different type of bread crumb, and I rarely use bay leaves. Also, I make twice as much as this. Also, drain the oysters (but save a bit of the juice and mix it back in when you're adding the boiling juice). Also, if you can get it, Tony's Chachere's spices are amazing. Oh, and I use canned artichokes, but there's no reason to retain that liquid. It doesn't add much flavor.
posted by ColdChef at 8:42 PM on November 16, 2007

The manliest way to "do" a turkey is that thing jessamyn posted quite a while ago. You know what I mean. And if you don't, you're probably better off that way.
posted by Devils Slide at 10:27 PM on November 16, 2007

cortex: the method looks fairly adaptable; I suspect root veggies would turn out well, or even fish.

I bet you could even saute the shallots, add the vegetables, maybe add some liquid and then lay your protein on top to steam; time it right and they all finish at once and you have a delicious (presumably nutritious) meal.

Time for some delicious experimenting...
posted by heeeraldo at 10:45 PM on November 16, 2007

Though, I should say that, while I've never done a beer-can turkey, I've never found beer-can chicken to really take on too much of the beer's flavor. The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider.

Lambics don't come in cans though.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:47 PM on November 16, 2007

bl1nk writes "The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider. If I were to do it again, I'd probably fill an empty beer can with some kind of strong tea like Lapsang Souchong."

Never having a can of beer handy we use 7-Up or it's generic equivilent. Works just fine.

quin writes "Cooking with napalm = manly."

Cooking with thermite - Manly or not? I've heard of crews welding up continuous rail using the waste heat to heat coffee.
posted by Mitheral at 1:05 AM on November 17, 2007

Billyfleetwood, if you have pictures, you have to share them, and you really should have gotten pictures.
posted by theora55 at 7:47 AM on November 17, 2007

last year, inspired by turducken, we made turkenami: turkey, chicken, salami
posted by milestogo at 10:31 PM on November 17, 2007

FWIW: my smoked turkey was a beautiful success.
posted by ColdChef at 9:02 AM on November 25, 2007