Couch Gag
August 7, 2024 3:04 PM Subscribe
The fact that so many people across the political spectrum appeared to believe his post to be true hasn't bolstered his faith in the critical-thinking skills of the electorate, Rick said — though he accepts that blame for the misapprehension starts with him. "In terms of media literacy, and those kinds of things, I guess I was already in the mud rolling around," he said. from The author of the viral joke post about JD Vance having sex with a couch breaks his silence
The rumor's spread has also heralded a new style of online engagement from Democrats. In marked contrast to the Obama-era decorum of "when they go low, we go high," Vice President Kamala Harris' campaign has embraced a tongue-in-cheek tone, including writing on X, "JD Vance does not couch his hatred for women."
That is a pretty good tweet.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:20 PM on August 7 [39 favorites]
That is a pretty good tweet.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:20 PM on August 7 [39 favorites]
The joke worked because people just wanted it to be true
Nah, it works because Vance is that sort of weasely, mercurial asshole who will do anything for power - and that sort of person just radiates couchfucker energy.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:25 PM on August 7 [79 favorites]
Nah, it works because Vance is that sort of weasely, mercurial asshole who will do anything for power - and that sort of person just radiates couchfucker energy.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:25 PM on August 7 [79 favorites]
As the article notes, it's not so much that J. D. Vance might have actually historically fucked a couch as much as it is that J. D. Vance, whether he did it or not, is pretty obviously a couchfucker.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 3:25 PM on August 7 [91 favorites]
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 3:25 PM on August 7 [91 favorites]
There needs to be a version of the paradox of tolerance for this exact situation. The transitive property of disingenuous shitposting, or something. Because I have been rolling in couch memes on leftist Discord for a week, they spark immeasurable joy, and you can pry them from my cold, dead hands.
posted by Ryvar at 3:26 PM on August 7 [28 favorites]
posted by Ryvar at 3:26 PM on August 7 [28 favorites]
There needs to be a version of the paradox of tolerance for this exact situation.
There is - tolerance as peace treaty.
Because JD Vance wants to argue that not having biological kids makes you psychopathic, that the state has the right to monitor your sexuality, that the only way to live is in a nuclear family with rigid gender roles - and in doing so has forsaken any protection under tolerance.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:30 PM on August 7 [68 favorites]
There is - tolerance as peace treaty.
Because JD Vance wants to argue that not having biological kids makes you psychopathic, that the state has the right to monitor your sexuality, that the only way to live is in a nuclear family with rigid gender roles - and in doing so has forsaken any protection under tolerance.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:30 PM on August 7 [68 favorites]
I gotta tell ya, I can’t wait to debate the guy,” Walz said to uproarious applause. “That is if he’s willing to get off the couch and show up!”
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:31 PM on August 7 [48 favorites]
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:31 PM on August 7 [48 favorites]
Air Force 2? Ça plane pour moi, Vance said from the tarmac, adding "I am the king of the divan."
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:32 PM on August 7 [42 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:32 PM on August 7 [42 favorites]
The Last Week Tonight segment mentioned in the article is worth watching. John Oliver is enjoying himself almost as much as J. D. in a Chesterfield.
posted by Kattullus at 3:38 PM on August 7 [26 favorites]
posted by Kattullus at 3:38 PM on August 7 [26 favorites]
Hear, hear, Ryvar. The shitposts are giving me life. It’s a relief to see people drop the “when they go low we go high” schtick. Might as well bring healthy snacks to a knife fight. We’re not better people because we don’t use the tools of our foes, we’re better people because WE’RE NOT FASCISTS.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 3:39 PM on August 7 [82 favorites]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 3:39 PM on August 7 [82 favorites]
Several Republicans have had drama surrounding sexcapades so I think most people just figured Same Shit Different Day. It was just believable enough that we just accepted it.
Was it deserved? Probably not. Was it funny? You betcha!
And let’s face it - Oompa Loompa and the Couchfucker has a certain ring to it.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 3:40 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]
Was it deserved? Probably not. Was it funny? You betcha!
And let’s face it - Oompa Loompa and the Couchfucker has a certain ring to it.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 3:40 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]
Oh, and the evil bit of me is thinking “turnabout is fair play … bitch.”
I will be sure and have a word with myself about that.
On January 7th, 2025.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 3:43 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
I will be sure and have a word with myself about that.
On January 7th, 2025.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 3:43 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
The joke worked because people just wanted it to be true
It works also because everyone knows Republicans are interested in intruding on everyone's private sex lives whilst being creepy sex pests in their own free time, so couchfucking is just a natural extension of what everyone knows about these folks.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 3:45 PM on August 7 [41 favorites]
It works also because everyone knows Republicans are interested in intruding on everyone's private sex lives whilst being creepy sex pests in their own free time, so couchfucking is just a natural extension of what everyone knows about these folks.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 3:45 PM on August 7 [41 favorites]
But does he wear eyeliner? At home?
posted by sammyo at 3:54 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 3:54 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by sammyo at 3:54 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 3:54 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
Perhaps, Rick said, whether Vance actually had carnal knowledge of one or more couches is immaterial. Rick suggested Vance making love to a couch may best be viewed as what Werner Herzog has described as the "ecstatic truth" — in Herzog's words, "a kind of truth that is the enemy of the merely factual," encompassing falsehoods that "make some essence of the man visible."
TIL a new term. Perfect!
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:59 PM on August 7 [42 favorites]
TIL a new term. Perfect!
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:59 PM on August 7 [42 favorites]
Look, in the same way everyone looked at Cavid Dameron and said, “Yes, that is the face of a fig-plucker,” so too everyone is looking at V.D. Jance and saying “Beyond the shadow of a doubt, that man is a fouch-cucker.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:02 PM on August 7 [27 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:02 PM on August 7 [27 favorites]
Yeah, this is some creepy couchfucker energy right here.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 4:04 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 4:04 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
Hmm, where was the Secret Service to stop Vance? Seems like a pretty serious security failure not to keep him (and his entourage) away from the plane, no joke.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 4:10 PM on August 7 [29 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 4:10 PM on August 7 [29 favorites]
I think it's also just that it feels like such a "rock-bottom moment in a young, relatively straitlaced person's memoir" straight out of Memoirs 101. I saw it retweeted in the first day or so it was circulating, unaware that it was disinfo, and it didn't even raise an eyebrow for me. You've got to have a few embarrassing, vulnerable reveals to get your memoir to sell and if you're not someone who's done a lot of drugs or actually had a very interesting personal life, I think a weird masturbation story seems like a reasonable inclusion.
If your whole memoir just talks about what was going on around you and the upstanding, error-free way you reacted to it, you come off as a tool. But one way to counteract that is to pepper it with some "ugh, look how badly I failed to cope, I got up to some strange but harmless stuff" anecdotes that hurt nobody but clearly cost you something to recount. It seemed deeply plausible to me that Vance took this approach.
posted by potrzebie at 4:11 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
If your whole memoir just talks about what was going on around you and the upstanding, error-free way you reacted to it, you come off as a tool. But one way to counteract that is to pepper it with some "ugh, look how badly I failed to cope, I got up to some strange but harmless stuff" anecdotes that hurt nobody but clearly cost you something to recount. It seemed deeply plausible to me that Vance took this approach.
posted by potrzebie at 4:11 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
re: "in the mud rolling around": david cameron may or may not have fucked the 🐷, but he is a pigfucker regardless. what rick is telling us is that history reupholsters itself.
posted by busted_crayons at 4:15 PM on August 7 [20 favorites]
posted by busted_crayons at 4:15 PM on August 7 [20 favorites]
I mean, whomst among us… oh, right.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:16 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:16 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]
The article is worth the time. A lot of "oh, he had to change his handle, he regrets the mudrolling, it was all so unnerving blah blah blah" followed closely by ...he sees in Vance an ineffable quality he believes is best approximated with the moniker "couch-fucker."
posted by Don Pepino at 4:19 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 4:19 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
JD Vance is the kind of guy that gets a nice, easy, friendly question from the media and decides to take it as a personal insult. Because he's really, really weird.
https://x.com/nick_field90/status/1821214022651236614
posted by evilangela at 4:32 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
https://x.com/nick_field90/status/1821214022651236614
posted by evilangela at 4:32 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
am i the only one on metafilter who finds it really problematic to take delight in insinuation, misinformation, and celebration of "it feels like a truth so I'll treat is a truth"? i mean, as the article points out, this is exactly the same instinct that drives other people to believe deeply in their hearts that the election was stolen, that people on welfare are lazy, that immigrants are criminals, and so many other atrocious things. maybe it is my own personal failing, but i have no faith that i can continue to see clearly and have good judgment if i let myself succumb to taking delight in things like envisioning JD Vance is a Couch Fucker because it so well expresses my disgust with his politics and character.
posted by brambleboy at 4:46 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
posted by brambleboy at 4:46 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]
I am the king of the divan
The divan right of kings?
posted by adamrice at 4:51 PM on August 7 [36 favorites]
The divan right of kings?
posted by adamrice at 4:51 PM on August 7 [36 favorites]
If it helps, brambleboy, try thinking of it as an abstraction. Like the guy in IT who keeps the servers running isn't literally a wizard, he's just good at a job that seems arcane to his coworkers. Likewise, Vance may not have literally fucked any couches, but...
posted by rifflesby at 4:55 PM on August 7 [28 favorites]
posted by rifflesby at 4:55 PM on August 7 [28 favorites]
I will always take immense pleasure in lying about my enemies, and hopefully their subsequent suffering.
posted by jy4m at 4:59 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
posted by jy4m at 4:59 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
I think it’s also because, as an accusation, it’s patently untrue or, if it isn’t, it’s irrelevant. Lots of young people get off in ways that are kind of odd but harmless, and they generally grow out of it as the opportunity to get off with consenting partners becomes available. However, Vance has shown himself deeply weird and hostile about other people’s sex lives, so, I mean fuck that dude, seriously, and in the most metaphorical of senses. Whether he has literally fucked a couch, he’s gross and uncomfortable around sex, so he gets to be known as a couch-fucker. I don’t think it’s particularly unreasonable to hammer in him.
Also, we can worry about moral purity once the stakes of a fascist presidency are behind us.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:07 PM on August 7 [53 favorites]
Also, we can worry about moral purity once the stakes of a fascist presidency are behind us.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:07 PM on August 7 [53 favorites]
Perhaps, Rick said, whether Vance actually had carnal knowledge of one or more couches is immaterial. Rick suggested Vance making love to a couch may best be viewed as what Werner Herzog has described as the "ecstatic truth" — in Herzog's words, "a kind of truth that is the enemy of the merely factual," encompassing falsehoods that "make some essence of the man visible."
Perfect. Love it.
I am genuinely astonished by how fast and how totally that meme spread though. Even my boss, who is not at all online, has heard of it. Like has someone done any kind of, idk, chart or something of the social media spread?
posted by yasaman at 5:12 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
Perfect. Love it.
I am genuinely astonished by how fast and how totally that meme spread though. Even my boss, who is not at all online, has heard of it. Like has someone done any kind of, idk, chart or something of the social media spread?
posted by yasaman at 5:12 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
If he didn't fuck a couch — and I'm not saying he did — where'd all those lounge chairs in his living room come from?
posted by dobbs at 5:16 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
posted by dobbs at 5:16 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
My very favorite thing about this is that it shows how many people DID NOT read his book. And as such are still - "yeah, seems likely"
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 5:16 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 5:16 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]
exactly the same instinct that drives other people to believe deeply in their hearts that the election was stolen, that people on welfare are lazy, that immigrants are criminals, and so many other atrocious things.
so when it came to light that david cameron did or didn't fuck the 🐷 at oxford, i seem to recall jeremy corbyn, bless him, being a they-go-low-we-go-hi buttoned up weirdo about it when he should have been, like, "pork for the many not the few, a boar in every bed" etc. evil right-wing lies are bad on the basis of their content, while an obvious joke earnestly believed by a rube is no big deal if it's harmless to actual people and conveys a real truth via a metaphor even if not literally. (namely the truth that Mr Vance is a couchfucker irrespective of the literal state of his loveseat).
posted by busted_crayons at 5:17 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
so when it came to light that david cameron did or didn't fuck the 🐷 at oxford, i seem to recall jeremy corbyn, bless him, being a they-go-low-we-go-hi buttoned up weirdo about it when he should have been, like, "pork for the many not the few, a boar in every bed" etc. evil right-wing lies are bad on the basis of their content, while an obvious joke earnestly believed by a rube is no big deal if it's harmless to actual people and conveys a real truth via a metaphor even if not literally. (namely the truth that Mr Vance is a couchfucker irrespective of the literal state of his loveseat).
posted by busted_crayons at 5:17 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
Additionally, there are plenty of things which we might feel are distasteful which we do when our existence is on the line. I’ve been listening to a podcast about the Battle of Cable Street, and , while I think assaulting people with bricks is not good, I’m not going to wag my finger at the Jews and Irish who decided that throwing bricks at Fascists trying to subjugate them was the right thing to do. If mocking Vance reduces the chance of a new Trump presidency, I say mock. We can argue about appropriateness when the house isn’t on fire.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:20 PM on August 7 [23 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:20 PM on August 7 [23 favorites]
Also outs that a lot of folks never read the book.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:24 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:24 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
After reading the article, I really want Werner Herzog to narrate a Vance/Couch encounter and the ecstatic truths revealed therein.
posted by ursus_comiter at 5:39 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
posted by ursus_comiter at 5:39 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
"It always begins the same way..."
posted by Rat Spatula at 5:52 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
posted by Rat Spatula at 5:52 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
I think lots of people believed, and probably still believe, the original tweet, with its claimed reference to a specific page of Vance's book, to be literally true.
posted by kickingtheground at 6:06 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
posted by kickingtheground at 6:06 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
am i the only one on metafilter who finds it really problematic to take delight in insinuation, misinformation, and celebration of "it feels like a truth so I'll treat is a truth"?
I’m OK with it!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:08 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
I’m OK with it!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:08 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
But you fuck ONE COUCH!!
posted by Naberius at 6:18 PM on August 7 [24 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 6:18 PM on August 7 [24 favorites]
I read something the other day, after finding out the couchfucking tweet was fabricated (which was pretty much in the same minutes I found out about the couchfucking tweet), that it had appeared in the first edition of the book, and was subsequently removed, but of course I can’t find it again.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:21 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:21 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]
"make some essence of the man visible."…because the latex glove was see-through?
posted by migurski at 6:34 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]
I can't wait to see what Chuck Tingle does with this.
While I know that love is real and try to be a good buckaroo, I have to admit that his stories are not quite my thing, hence a query: Has he written from the handsome sentient whatever's perspective before? Like "Pounding That Completely Normal Human Guy In The Butt: Stories From A Handsome Sentient Subwoofer"?
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:04 PM on August 7 [19 favorites]
While I know that love is real and try to be a good buckaroo, I have to admit that his stories are not quite my thing, hence a query: Has he written from the handsome sentient whatever's perspective before? Like "Pounding That Completely Normal Human Guy In The Butt: Stories From A Handsome Sentient Subwoofer"?
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:04 PM on August 7 [19 favorites]
I do feel a little bit bad about it because I do remember being a 15 year old boy and while I never fucked a couch I totally understand how a 15 year old boy might end up giving it a shot.
But I will happily use this couch fucker business as a lever to fuck with that fucking asshole, I'm just not going to judge anyone else for what weird thing they tried to stick their dick in as a young teenage boy.
posted by VTX at 7:14 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
But I will happily use this couch fucker business as a lever to fuck with that fucking asshole, I'm just not going to judge anyone else for what weird thing they tried to stick their dick in as a young teenage boy.
posted by VTX at 7:14 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
Hey you know who was a good buckaroo today, Tim Walz stopping his speech out of concern with some Peter Weller energy for real.
Vance is such a naugahyde candidate that it's no wonder the moniker stuck.
posted by Catblack at 7:33 PM on August 7 [10 favorites]
Vance is such a naugahyde candidate that it's no wonder the moniker stuck.
posted by Catblack at 7:33 PM on August 7 [10 favorites]
What separates me from the Republicans is I believe what a man does in his own home with a consenting piece of furniture is none of my business.
posted by phunniemee at 7:35 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:35 PM on August 7 [22 favorites]
But you fuck ONE COUCH!!
Allegedly. I wonder if he had someone to help by holding it down. Or maybe it was a sick couch.
posted by bonehead at 7:36 PM on August 7 [11 favorites]
Allegedly. I wonder if he had someone to help by holding it down. Or maybe it was a sick couch.
posted by bonehead at 7:36 PM on August 7 [11 favorites]
I have explained the couch fucking meme to three (3) coworkers so far.
posted by phunniemee at 7:39 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:39 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
Probably inspired by this NSF-home-furnishings vintage "art film".
posted by bonehead at 7:40 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
posted by bonehead at 7:40 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
brambleboy, I think maybe I understand your discomfort. We've just spent a few years watching people we know and love get subsumed by a raging torrent of lies, conspiracies and misinformation, spiraling into madness. We've seen the power of memetic infection, and many of us are so terrified by the results that we double-down on our mental defenses, locking our ideas, afraid to hear anything outside our bubble; what if this meme is the one that breaks my mind?
I haven't got any answers. I just know that I want to live with an open mind, open to people and new ideas, and I also have faith in myself. Faith that I can enjoy the Vance memes without believing them to be true.
I do not believe that J.D. Vance fucked a couch, but I do know that this whole weird-assault and memes about furniture coitus are getting under their skin in a way we have seen up until now. Sometimes the cure for bad bacteria is more good bacteria. And right now, any tool to break their stranglehold on the future is a tool worth using.
But...what do I know? Your reasons are your own, and peace be with you and what you believe.
posted by chromecow at 7:44 PM on August 7 [12 favorites]
I haven't got any answers. I just know that I want to live with an open mind, open to people and new ideas, and I also have faith in myself. Faith that I can enjoy the Vance memes without believing them to be true.
I do not believe that J.D. Vance fucked a couch, but I do know that this whole weird-assault and memes about furniture coitus are getting under their skin in a way we have seen up until now. Sometimes the cure for bad bacteria is more good bacteria. And right now, any tool to break their stranglehold on the future is a tool worth using.
But...what do I know? Your reasons are your own, and peace be with you and what you believe.
posted by chromecow at 7:44 PM on August 7 [12 favorites]
"A despot doesn't fear eloquent writers preaching freedom — he fears a drunken poet who may crack a joke that will take hold." — E.B. White
posted by chavenet at 7:52 PM on August 7 [50 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 7:52 PM on August 7 [50 favorites]
I can't wait to see what Chuck Tingle does with this.
I just hope the title contains the phrase "the pleathers of the flesh."
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 7:53 PM on August 7 [43 favorites]
I just hope the title contains the phrase "the pleathers of the flesh."
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 7:53 PM on August 7 [43 favorites]
am i the only one on metafilter who finds it really problematic to take delight in insinuation, misinformation, and celebration of "it feels like a truth so I'll treat is a truth"?
You're not the only one. If I wanted Twitter shitposting, I'd be on Twitter. It's mildly amusing in context, but alarming when people mindlessly repeat it as truth, and embarrassingly hacky when parroted as a joke.
posted by betweenthebars at 7:55 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
You're not the only one. If I wanted Twitter shitposting, I'd be on Twitter. It's mildly amusing in context, but alarming when people mindlessly repeat it as truth, and embarrassingly hacky when parroted as a joke.
posted by betweenthebars at 7:55 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]
I grew up in an actual fascist dictatorship.
Humor is one of the few weapons you have against the fuckers.
posted by signal at 8:19 PM on August 7 [56 favorites]
Humor is one of the few weapons you have against the fuckers.
posted by signal at 8:19 PM on August 7 [56 favorites]
I dunno. I think it's going well. So fa, so good!
posted by SPrintF at 8:19 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 8:19 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]
Tim Walz's Crack About J.D. Vance's Couch Hits Right Where Republicans Deserve It, Charles Pierce (archive link).
posted by jabo at 8:25 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]
posted by jabo at 8:25 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]
I have never believed that Vance fucked a couch and refrain from repeating it but I won't tell others to stop. As others have pointed out while it isn't true it is a very apt metaphor for the sort of weirdness that he exhibits. He spends way too much time in the MAGA Internet. His brain has been rotted by troll culture. Internet trolls probably fuck couches.
And I don't think that most people who use the metaphor believe it either. We all know it's fake. We do not expend any energy to convince others it's true. But Republicans have invested vast amounts of energy to allege that Barack Obama wasn't born here. They've doubled down on the ridiculous assertion that Kamala denied her black heritage. They've wasted tax payer dollars to go after Hillary's emails.
Come back to me when Democratic congress folk have started hearings and subpoenaed Vance's laptop for image downloads of Crate and Barrel sectionals and then we can talk about whether or not we've gone too far.
These people are fucking bullies and punching a bully in the nose doesn't make you a bully yourself. It just makes you someone willing to stand up for yourself.
posted by bl1nk at 8:34 PM on August 7 [62 favorites]
And I don't think that most people who use the metaphor believe it either. We all know it's fake. We do not expend any energy to convince others it's true. But Republicans have invested vast amounts of energy to allege that Barack Obama wasn't born here. They've doubled down on the ridiculous assertion that Kamala denied her black heritage. They've wasted tax payer dollars to go after Hillary's emails.
Come back to me when Democratic congress folk have started hearings and subpoenaed Vance's laptop for image downloads of Crate and Barrel sectionals and then we can talk about whether or not we've gone too far.
These people are fucking bullies and punching a bully in the nose doesn't make you a bully yourself. It just makes you someone willing to stand up for yourself.
posted by bl1nk at 8:34 PM on August 7 [62 favorites]
The specificity of the citation sold it. That and the combination of utter believable American-Pie teenage depravity and the ultimate harmlessness of it even if it was true. Who fucking cares? Their team, that’s who. We’re just laughing, which they cannot stand. Who knew a couch-fucking anecdote could contain such multitudes.
I mean it’s not like he shot a puppy or anything.
posted by gottabefunky at 8:35 PM on August 7 [32 favorites]
I mean it’s not like he shot a puppy or anything.
posted by gottabefunky at 8:35 PM on August 7 [32 favorites]
Vance just enjoyed the thrill of the chaise.
posted by kinnakeet at 8:36 PM on August 7 [62 favorites]
posted by kinnakeet at 8:36 PM on August 7 [62 favorites]
Vance just enjoyed the thrill of the chaise.
From couch to 5K...
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 8:46 PM on August 7 [11 favorites]
From couch to 5K...
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 8:46 PM on August 7 [11 favorites]
Brambleboy, I also have that concern. I enjoy the couch jokes because it seems to get to the enemy, but these days it does seem all too easy to call John Smith a gerbil rapist on Twitter and there is no defense for John, even if he can prove he's never met a gerbil, because it "feels true," whether or not John's a good or bad egg, because the other side hates him.
Bl1nk also has a good point that the other side has been accusing ours of plenty of untrue shit for years.
Fuck if I know.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:58 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
Bl1nk also has a good point that the other side has been accusing ours of plenty of untrue shit for years.
Fuck if I know.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:58 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
So there is a general consensus that Vance did not in actuality fuck a couch, that this is just a random funny shitpost that got legs somehow. I mean, it’s absurdity and hilarious and hits my sense of humour exactly. But it just occurred to me, what if he actually DID fuck a couch, and told absolutely no one, and now he is confronting what must be his incredibly private nightmare, having to deny something he never imagined would ever come to light but somehow did out of this sheer improbable coincidence?
God, I hope he actually fucked that couch.
posted by Skrubly at 9:01 PM on August 7 [26 favorites]
God, I hope he actually fucked that couch.
posted by Skrubly at 9:01 PM on August 7 [26 favorites]
Sarah Palin never said she could see Alaska from her house either. I see this as a pretty harmless joke. Anyone who is deeply concerned about it can easily find out the truth. And really, it isn’t funny because of the literal event so much as for the memetic quality of sharing an in-reference. Mostly it plays on the whole “he has a weird vibe about sex” thing without needing to say those words. I find it hilarious and pretty innocuous.
posted by meinvt at 9:01 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
posted by meinvt at 9:01 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]
VP hopeful Gov. Noem really wrote about shooting her puppy in her memoir - and that is so. much. worse. So this tidbit seemed relatively harmless.
posted by Toddles at 9:15 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:15 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]
So much pearl clutching, so little time.
No, I don't feel bad about this making me laugh. No, I don't feel bad for the poor fascist hopeful. I don't want these assholes to win, if a joke in poor taste can bring them down, so much the better.
Honestly, if laughing these assholes off the public stage works better than rage and earnestness, I'm long past ready, willing, and able.
Also, it doesn't bother me seeing the we go high crowd wring their hands and worry for the children. Fuck every flavor of fascist.
posted by evilDoug at 9:46 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
No, I don't feel bad about this making me laugh. No, I don't feel bad for the poor fascist hopeful. I don't want these assholes to win, if a joke in poor taste can bring them down, so much the better.
Honestly, if laughing these assholes off the public stage works better than rage and earnestness, I'm long past ready, willing, and able.
Also, it doesn't bother me seeing the we go high crowd wring their hands and worry for the children. Fuck every flavor of fascist.
posted by evilDoug at 9:46 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
having to deny something he never imagined would ever come to light but somehow did out of this sheer improbable coincidence
Probability as practiced in the universe of Douglas Adams tells us that nothing is impossible, no matter how improbable it may seem and everything you can or can't image has at least some probability of occuring. I mean, I'd bet money that someone somewhere has fucked a couch at some point in time. It's not entirely impossible that person was JD Vance, no matter how unlikely it may seem. It has to be someone, after all.
posted by dg at 10:24 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]
Probability as practiced in the universe of Douglas Adams tells us that nothing is impossible, no matter how improbable it may seem and everything you can or can't image has at least some probability of occuring. I mean, I'd bet money that someone somewhere has fucked a couch at some point in time. It's not entirely impossible that person was JD Vance, no matter how unlikely it may seem. It has to be someone, after all.
posted by dg at 10:24 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]
The next movie: American Couch.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:39 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:39 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
re: chuck tingle, someone's already taken the good chair:
Pushin' Cushions
Pushin' Cushions
Dennis J. Rance has been under immense pressure since being chosen as the Vice Presidential Candidate. His running mate is a dumpster fire, his wife left him, and he’s working 90 hours a week. He desperately needs a break, and decides it’s time to take care of himself for once.posted by i used to be someone else at 10:58 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]
So what’s a man to do when he’s alone and needs release? Well, Dennis is a little…different. When his unusual “usual” methods fail, it’s time to indulge in one of his most forbidden desires. It worked for him in college with that ratty old couch, and this new one is just so plush.
But Dennis doesn’t know this furniture has a sinister secret of its own…
this is just a random funny shitpost that got legs somehow
It really did, and pulling it after a week didn't cushion the blow.
posted by flabdablet at 11:19 PM on August 7 [16 favorites]
It really did, and pulling it after a week didn't cushion the blow.
posted by flabdablet at 11:19 PM on August 7 [16 favorites]
We need a moratorium on the term "misinformation" if laughing along with and riffing on an obvious joke at the expense of a fascist qualifies.
posted by Reyturner at 11:19 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
posted by Reyturner at 11:19 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]
I do know that this whole weird-assault and memes about furniture coitus are getting under their skin in a way we have seen up until now.
Hope springs eternal.
posted by flabdablet at 11:22 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]
Hope springs eternal.
posted by flabdablet at 11:22 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]
These jokes are dangerous. Couch sexual abuse is no laughing matter. Soon enough, somebody’s going to grab their assault rifle and pay a hard visit to the local Sofa King outlet.
posted by house-goblin at 11:57 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]
posted by house-goblin at 11:57 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]
But I am a very bad goblin and the only pearls I’m worried about are from the pearl necklace JD Vance gave to his last couch.
posted by house-goblin at 11:59 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
posted by house-goblin at 11:59 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]
Hope springs eternal.
but sofa springs are ephemeral.
posted by busted_crayons at 1:07 AM on August 8 [11 favorites]
but sofa springs are ephemeral.
posted by busted_crayons at 1:07 AM on August 8 [11 favorites]
That would account for JD getting such pointed pushback.
posted by flabdablet at 1:27 AM on August 8 [4 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 1:27 AM on August 8 [4 favorites]
Couch? Nah. More like carseat. To me, Vance just looks and walks like Gary Numan, only with beard. (... and trumpway barmy, that is)
posted by zaixfeep at 2:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
posted by zaixfeep at 2:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
Business Insider didn't give this story to Katie Notopoulos?? I'm baffled.
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 2:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 2:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
> pork for the many not the few, a boar in every bed
Blair would have promised it
posted by are-coral-made at 2:04 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
Blair would have promised it
posted by are-coral-made at 2:04 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
i mean, as the article points out, this is exactly the same instinct that drives other people to believe deeply in their hearts that the election was stolen, that people on welfare are lazy, that immigrants are criminals, and so many other atrocious things.
I'm not actually convinced this is meaningfully true, because I think it's important what the worldview that the belief in things that aren't true enables. A lot of the things you're concerned about is because people want to believe in a world where dark and terrible things happen and they're the Only Good People; we are willing to make elaborate jokes about JD Vance fucking a couch because of the core truth that he's not worthy of respect.
It's why it's so important that the original joke includes a citation to his contemptuous and contemptible book that was widely praised and rarely read. JD Vance being a respectable Republican who has "lost his way" is also disinformation.
posted by Merus at 2:17 AM on August 8 [22 favorites]
I'm not actually convinced this is meaningfully true, because I think it's important what the worldview that the belief in things that aren't true enables. A lot of the things you're concerned about is because people want to believe in a world where dark and terrible things happen and they're the Only Good People; we are willing to make elaborate jokes about JD Vance fucking a couch because of the core truth that he's not worthy of respect.
It's why it's so important that the original joke includes a citation to his contemptuous and contemptible book that was widely praised and rarely read. JD Vance being a respectable Republican who has "lost his way" is also disinformation.
posted by Merus at 2:17 AM on August 8 [22 favorites]
There’s a ticket populated wall-to-wall with folks who have been explaining in the clearest possible terms for the longest time that they want my friends to die, that they want my friends’ kids to die, and I’m having a hard time understanding why they deserve an hour of peace. And even this buys into the ridiculous notion that anybody on the receiving end of all this naughtiness is actually suffering right now. Please.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 2:30 AM on August 8 [29 favorites]
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 2:30 AM on August 8 [29 favorites]
Perhaps JD, Scott Morrison, and David Cameron could all meet up somewhere to have a chin wag about how this kind of scurrilous rumour feels. Maybe somewhere low key, like a McDonalds.
posted by deadgar at 3:04 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
posted by deadgar at 3:04 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
1. Sarah Palin never said she could see Alaska from her house either - well of course not. It was Russia that she saw. 🔭
2. Where I am, you could be arrested by telling the truth about those in power, don't even talk about a shitpost with legs like this. Usually, if you don't get arrested it's because you have access to some power or threat to power (hence our habit of cyberbullying public officials - strength in numbers and having an ad hoc plebiscite of sorts). So the fact that this is still chugging along? And people know it's not conclusively proven as fake? And about a man from a group of busybody weirdos who want to make your life a misery? Fuck yeah he fucked that couch.
posted by cendawanita at 3:24 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
2. Where I am, you could be arrested by telling the truth about those in power, don't even talk about a shitpost with legs like this. Usually, if you don't get arrested it's because you have access to some power or threat to power (hence our habit of cyberbullying public officials - strength in numbers and having an ad hoc plebiscite of sorts). So the fact that this is still chugging along? And people know it's not conclusively proven as fake? And about a man from a group of busybody weirdos who want to make your life a misery? Fuck yeah he fucked that couch.
posted by cendawanita at 3:24 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
French for 'the couch' is 'le canapé'.
You know what that means? GAY couch fucking.
posted by Hogshead at 3:45 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
You know what that means? GAY couch fucking.
posted by Hogshead at 3:45 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
I'm still chewing this one over, because I also don't like polluting the public sphere with disinformation. I do think it's important to keep in mind that many people on the right repeat and claim they believe ludicrous things because it amuses them and they know it annoys the other side. If I were making the case for the defence I'd say this is a form of politicised entertainment, akin to pro wrestling and no more sinful - after all there are folks out there who think pro wrestling is real too.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:47 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:47 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
It's mildly amusing in context, but alarming when people mindlessly repeat it as truth
Does anyone actually believe that it's true, though? It seems to me that its obvious falsehood is an integral part of the joke.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:50 AM on August 8 [9 favorites]
Does anyone actually believe that it's true, though? It seems to me that its obvious falsehood is an integral part of the joke.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:50 AM on August 8 [9 favorites]
Does anyone actually believe that it's true, though? It seems to me that its obvious falsehood is an integral part of the joke.
And even if it were true, who cares? As a young teenI a friend was humping all kinds of shit. People do stuff and simulating intercourse with inanimate objects is pretty run of the mill, which is probably why these weird people are so upset about it.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:20 AM on August 8 [10 favorites]
And even if it were true, who cares? As a young teen
posted by Literaryhero at 4:20 AM on August 8 [10 favorites]
I've decided my favorite thing about the couch fucking meme is that within two weeks, as a country and as metafilter, we've gone from mods deleting my comment "JD Vance fucked a couch allegedly" from this Ask to the VP hopeful dropping in it his campaign speech and this whole ass thread. That does me a big lol. Hope whichever mod that was is having a nice one.
posted by phunniemee at 4:23 AM on August 8 [18 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:23 AM on August 8 [18 favorites]
can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181).
posted by AlSweigart at 4:32 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
posted by AlSweigart at 4:32 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
I think IKEA, with a celebrated line of "BILLY" bookshelves, is missing a marketing opportunity. Where's my HJILBILLY couch?
posted by chavenet at 4:49 AM on August 8 [8 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 4:49 AM on August 8 [8 favorites]
ctrl-f "Arthur" - no results
ctrl-f "Buster" - no results
Dang it. Yet another article missed the opportunity to point out that the follow-up tweet @rickrudescalves quickly posted under the OG couchfucking thing was a classic pic of Buster, Arthur's cartoon pal, at the crucial moment he learns anyone can Just Go On The Internet and Tell Lies. So many lost chances to spread this vitally important political message at a critical time for our democracy.
posted by mediareport at 5:11 AM on August 8 [6 favorites]
ctrl-f "Buster" - no results
Dang it. Yet another article missed the opportunity to point out that the follow-up tweet @rickrudescalves quickly posted under the OG couchfucking thing was a classic pic of Buster, Arthur's cartoon pal, at the crucial moment he learns anyone can Just Go On The Internet and Tell Lies. So many lost chances to spread this vitally important political message at a critical time for our democracy.
posted by mediareport at 5:11 AM on August 8 [6 favorites]
A particular thing I like about the original joke is that the story allegedly runs for three pages. That's not a throwaway line of growing up lonely and desperate in Appalachia. That's a Penthouse Letter of Deviant Sexual Awakening.
posted by bl1nk at 5:18 AM on August 8 [19 favorites]
posted by bl1nk at 5:18 AM on August 8 [19 favorites]
According to the FPP below this one, Vance is blurbing a book devoted to the idea that progressives/liberals/leftists are “unhuman”. Calling him a couchfucker is the least he deserves.
posted by TedW at 5:33 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
posted by TedW at 5:33 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
Take another look at the Charles Pierce piece that jabo linked to above:
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:41 AM on August 8 [39 favorites]
Tell your stories walking, gang. Tell them to Max Cleland, whom Karl Rove smeared. Tell them to Michael Dukakis, whom Lee Atwater smeared. Tell them to John Kerry, who had his military service slandered by people wearing Purple Heart Band-Aids. Tell them to Bill and Hillary Clinton, whom were accused of multiple murders. Tell them to the family of Vince Foster, whose corpse was used as a bludgeon. Tell them to all the Democrats who were subjected to Newt Gingrich's Dictionary of Slander. Tell them to all the victims of Roger Stone, whose career as a professional ratfcker did not begin with the arrival of El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago. Tell them to the memories of George McGovern, Frank Church, and Birch Bayh, good men all, slandered out of office by Terry Dolan in the NCPAC campaigns of the late 1970s. Tell them to the Black voters of Neshoba County, Mississippi, where St. Reagan kicked off his 1980 campaign with a speech about the importance of "states rights." Tell them to the families of Michael Schwerner, Andrew Goodwin, and James Chaney. Tell them to Jimmy Carter.The high road has been taken, folks. Lately, it led to that horrible shitgoblin getting in office for four awful years, and a promise that, somehow, he'd actually make things worse if/when he returned. You take the road that actually gets you there.
Do all that, or fck right off. Your choice.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:41 AM on August 8 [39 favorites]
I grew up in the 1980s. Mefites of a similar age will remember Pound Puppies, a popular line of plush toys sold by Tonka.
There was this kid at school. He wasn't very bright, and he didn't wear cool clothes, and he smelled a little funny.
Of course, kids are assholes. Somehow, a rumor arose that he was caught having "relations" with his Pound Puppy at some kind of school-related sleepover.
No one really questioned the veracity of this claim. Its truth or falsity wasn't really the point. The point was: whether he had actually fucked a Pound Puppy or not, he might as well have fucked a Pound Puppy, in terms of his social standing. He was someone to be humiliated and ostracized. The rumor was just a way to reinforce and reify that.
By no means am I defending this. It was cruel kids being bullies, and this kid didn't deserve any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he carries scars to this day.
Which brings me to JD Vance.
JD Vance is a craven fascist. He absolutely deserves to be treated this way.
Whether it's literally true isn't the point. Whether it would be something to be ashamed of if it were true isn't the point.
The point is, JD Vance is a contemptible couchfucker. He's someone who should be pointed and laughed at in the hallway. Girls should laugh in his face when he talks to them. He shouldn't be invited to parties. He should get his head dunked into toilets. His feelings and interests should never be taken seriously.
Few people actually deserve this kind of treatment. But, as previously noted, JD Vance is a craven fascist. He's done absolutely nothing to earn a seat at the table of humanity. He's a non-entity. He's a joke. To take him seriously is to grant him standing that he doesn't deserve.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:44 AM on August 8 [21 favorites]
There was this kid at school. He wasn't very bright, and he didn't wear cool clothes, and he smelled a little funny.
Of course, kids are assholes. Somehow, a rumor arose that he was caught having "relations" with his Pound Puppy at some kind of school-related sleepover.
No one really questioned the veracity of this claim. Its truth or falsity wasn't really the point. The point was: whether he had actually fucked a Pound Puppy or not, he might as well have fucked a Pound Puppy, in terms of his social standing. He was someone to be humiliated and ostracized. The rumor was just a way to reinforce and reify that.
By no means am I defending this. It was cruel kids being bullies, and this kid didn't deserve any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he carries scars to this day.
Which brings me to JD Vance.
JD Vance is a craven fascist. He absolutely deserves to be treated this way.
Whether it's literally true isn't the point. Whether it would be something to be ashamed of if it were true isn't the point.
The point is, JD Vance is a contemptible couchfucker. He's someone who should be pointed and laughed at in the hallway. Girls should laugh in his face when he talks to them. He shouldn't be invited to parties. He should get his head dunked into toilets. His feelings and interests should never be taken seriously.
Few people actually deserve this kind of treatment. But, as previously noted, JD Vance is a craven fascist. He's done absolutely nothing to earn a seat at the table of humanity. He's a non-entity. He's a joke. To take him seriously is to grant him standing that he doesn't deserve.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:44 AM on August 8 [21 favorites]
okay but for real though i think we gotta make clear to the folks out there who have fucked couches that you are okay and you are valid and kids get up to a lot of weird shit when they’re figuring it all out and that is normal and fine and no one should judge you for it. same goes for all adult people here who’ve found that couches play a healthy role in their present sex lives, so long as you don’t, like, do so in a way such that people who sit on the couch later are involuntarily involving themselves in your sexuality.
also like literally there is going to be a wave of people who are 14 in 2024 who have read the tweet and heard the discourse and subsequently thought “well, there’s a couch in the house, there’s some latex gloves in the house, and mom and dad won’t be back until 9:00. time to see if it really works.”
and that’s normal and those kids-future-adults are gonna mostly grow up to be normal decent people just like most kids-future-adults will grow up to be normal decent people but let’s all hope that they do an immaculate job cleaning up the aftermath because i think jd vance can live with being called a couchfucker but no kid should ever be called jd vance.
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 5:47 AM on August 8 [35 favorites]
also like literally there is going to be a wave of people who are 14 in 2024 who have read the tweet and heard the discourse and subsequently thought “well, there’s a couch in the house, there’s some latex gloves in the house, and mom and dad won’t be back until 9:00. time to see if it really works.”
and that’s normal and those kids-future-adults are gonna mostly grow up to be normal decent people just like most kids-future-adults will grow up to be normal decent people but let’s all hope that they do an immaculate job cleaning up the aftermath because i think jd vance can live with being called a couchfucker but no kid should ever be called jd vance.
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 5:47 AM on August 8 [35 favorites]
BULLETIN: SAN FRANCISCO'S "GOOD VIBRATIONS" AND IKEA TO FORM JOINT VENTURE. FLATPACK SEX TOYS SOON TO COME.
Eek -- a combo cat scratching post and butt-plug?
New Urban Dictionary entry: 'posobiec' (n): Santorum plus couch lint and loose change.'
posted by zaixfeep at 6:21 AM on August 8 [7 favorites]
Eek -- a combo cat scratching post and butt-plug?
New Urban Dictionary entry: 'posobiec' (n): Santorum plus couch lint and loose change.'
posted by zaixfeep at 6:21 AM on August 8 [7 favorites]
Once Vance was selected by Trump, the narrative needed to shift abruptly and immediately. Like, in about nine minutes or less. The Vance of ten years ago is not the Vance of today; he has sold his soul voluntarily in pursuit of wealth, power and opportunity and climbed completely onto the Freak Kingdom bandwagon. He has positioned himself as the point man for an acutely fascist worldview, adopted the language of Christian nationalism and of toxic masculinity and of dehumanization of all who oppose him, and would be right behind an old fat man in active danger of imprisonment and/or mental or physical collapse in line to become POTUS.
Trump rants about Project 2025^H^H^H^HAgenda 47 at length not because he has fervent deeply-held beliefs about dismantling the government and replacing it with fascism, but because he would personally benefit from that happening and can leave the details to others. His base wants to simply impose its jack-booted white Christian foot onto all Others, he shares much of their racism and dim view of the Other, and so he meanders down that path. Vance's philosophical kin (the likes of Thiel and Yarvin) actively want America restructured into something unrecognizable, and whether Vance truly wants that deep down or he is simply positioning himself as its movement's figurehead, he is not some random fresh-faced Senator plucked from obscurity to back Trump up; he is the fascist impulse organized rather than simply flailing about.
The Couch Joke is a pointed commentary on the absurdity of our information systems, how ridiculousness gets parroted as absolute truth by our fringes with minimal pushback. (We're years removed from Hillary being accused of managing a child-trafficking ring from a pizza-parlor basement, for instance; absurd on its face, but just this week Trump's lead propagandist breathlessly accused Biden and Harris of being the world's leading child traffickers on national TV.) It is a spear flung directly into Vance's projected bubble of being a Defender of Children and Innocence and Real American Values and Baseball and Apple Pie and Chevrolet, using an unfounded smear to make people consider whether Vance is actually not a normal human being with respect for others' choices and beliefs, but a radical moral scold who tosses and turns at night, unable to sleep, haunted by the nightmare that someone out there is having an Unauthorized Halfway-Decent Orgasm.
America has a long history of people who are obsessed with others' sexual choices and decrying Indecency and Deviance and Perversion turning out to have massive, massive hangups and deviances of their own. That's not just a stereotype, that's a pattern. As with Herzog's ecstatic truth upthread, the Couch Joke is not a detailed accusation about a specific act with supporting evidence; I don't know that I believe that David Cameron actually defouled a dead pig's head, either. But it is effective shorthand for the underlying truth that this is not a normal person, this is the kind of person who wants the government to control and criminalize the moral choices of others, and that needs exposure and immediate mockery.
Also, just look at the guy. That guy would fuck a couch if you gave him ten minutes alone with it. You can TELL.
posted by delfin at 6:30 AM on August 8 [18 favorites]
Trump rants about Project 2025^H^H^H^HAgenda 47 at length not because he has fervent deeply-held beliefs about dismantling the government and replacing it with fascism, but because he would personally benefit from that happening and can leave the details to others. His base wants to simply impose its jack-booted white Christian foot onto all Others, he shares much of their racism and dim view of the Other, and so he meanders down that path. Vance's philosophical kin (the likes of Thiel and Yarvin) actively want America restructured into something unrecognizable, and whether Vance truly wants that deep down or he is simply positioning himself as its movement's figurehead, he is not some random fresh-faced Senator plucked from obscurity to back Trump up; he is the fascist impulse organized rather than simply flailing about.
The Couch Joke is a pointed commentary on the absurdity of our information systems, how ridiculousness gets parroted as absolute truth by our fringes with minimal pushback. (We're years removed from Hillary being accused of managing a child-trafficking ring from a pizza-parlor basement, for instance; absurd on its face, but just this week Trump's lead propagandist breathlessly accused Biden and Harris of being the world's leading child traffickers on national TV.) It is a spear flung directly into Vance's projected bubble of being a Defender of Children and Innocence and Real American Values and Baseball and Apple Pie and Chevrolet, using an unfounded smear to make people consider whether Vance is actually not a normal human being with respect for others' choices and beliefs, but a radical moral scold who tosses and turns at night, unable to sleep, haunted by the nightmare that someone out there is having an Unauthorized Halfway-Decent Orgasm.
America has a long history of people who are obsessed with others' sexual choices and decrying Indecency and Deviance and Perversion turning out to have massive, massive hangups and deviances of their own. That's not just a stereotype, that's a pattern. As with Herzog's ecstatic truth upthread, the Couch Joke is not a detailed accusation about a specific act with supporting evidence; I don't know that I believe that David Cameron actually defouled a dead pig's head, either. But it is effective shorthand for the underlying truth that this is not a normal person, this is the kind of person who wants the government to control and criminalize the moral choices of others, and that needs exposure and immediate mockery.
Also, just look at the guy. That guy would fuck a couch if you gave him ten minutes alone with it. You can TELL.
posted by delfin at 6:30 AM on August 8 [18 favorites]
I read something the other day, after finding out the couchfucking tweet was fabricated (which was pretty much in the same minutes I found out about the couchfucking tweet), that it had appeared in the first edition of the book, and was subsequently removed, but of course I can’t find it again.
There have been various rumors that it was in the first edition or appeared in the original galleys before being cut at the last minute. One guy edited the text of an ebook addition to include the story and then posted screenshots on Xitter. Snopes has a pretty good rundown.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:40 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
There have been various rumors that it was in the first edition or appeared in the original galleys before being cut at the last minute. One guy edited the text of an ebook addition to include the story and then posted screenshots on Xitter. Snopes has a pretty good rundown.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:40 AM on August 8 [5 favorites]
This is exactly what Stephen Colbert was getting at with "truthiness".
posted by tommasz at 6:50 AM on August 8 [10 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 6:50 AM on August 8 [10 favorites]
I dunno, conservatives have said pretty often that we shouldn’t believe Snopes because it has a liberal bias.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Big Al 8000 at 6:50 AM on August 8 [11 favorites]
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Big Al 8000 at 6:50 AM on August 8 [11 favorites]
New Fatboy Slim song:
"I'm not a couch f....r
I'm not a bed sucker
I'm not a chair humper
I'm not a buggy bumper
I'm a sofa, I'm a daybed, I'm an armchair, I'm a... loveseat
Yeah I've got some old floorplans, and i think you should know it"
posted by zaixfeep at 7:06 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
"I'm not a couch f....r
I'm not a bed sucker
I'm not a chair humper
I'm not a buggy bumper
I'm a sofa, I'm a daybed, I'm an armchair, I'm a... loveseat
Yeah I've got some old floorplans, and i think you should know it"
posted by zaixfeep at 7:06 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
The Republicans have been running the jokes/memes/vibes/insults/nonsensical accusations game for years. I'm so tired of Dems being drowned with this shit and using their last gasp to say "Well [gurgle] at least [gargle] we took [burble] the high road!"
This game is going to go on one way or the other and the Dems winning at it is a helluva lot better than them pretending it isn't happening until they lose, then wagging their fingers about it.
And the very VERY best part is: the right started this shit and they're not fucking funny . They're incredibly, famously bad at jokes. They took their 125 pound weakling ass to Muscle Beach and started kicking sand around. What the fuck did they think would happen?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:14 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
This game is going to go on one way or the other and the Dems winning at it is a helluva lot better than them pretending it isn't happening until they lose, then wagging their fingers about it.
And the very VERY best part is: the right started this shit and they're not fucking funny . They're incredibly, famously bad at jokes. They took their 125 pound weakling ass to Muscle Beach and started kicking sand around. What the fuck did they think would happen?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:14 AM on August 8 [15 favorites]
Agreed, DOT, but as we enjoy flinging shit back we need to be prepared for upcoming moments when an insult falls flat or goes sour. I don't think Harris's "I am speaking now" qualifies, but it's kinda close. Live by the popcult vibe, die by the popcult vibe, you know?
posted by mediareport at 7:20 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
posted by mediareport at 7:20 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
(And yeah, Harris needs more anti-heckler practice.)
posted by mediareport at 7:21 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
posted by mediareport at 7:21 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]
In another thread, kitteh referred to Vance as a 'davenport enthusiast'.
posted by MtDewd at 7:22 AM on August 8 [7 favorites]
posted by MtDewd at 7:22 AM on August 8 [7 favorites]
That's the thing though, mediareport: that game was already going on anyway. The Dems' insistence that they weren't playing was never enough to keep them from losing.
They will indeed win some and lose some now that they are playing for real.
It's still far better than constantly losing, which is where they were before.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:23 AM on August 8 [9 favorites]
They will indeed win some and lose some now that they are playing for real.
It's still far better than constantly losing, which is where they were before.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:23 AM on August 8 [9 favorites]
That Charlie Pierce article linked above is 100% correct. The GOP has acted with utter disregard of the truth of decades, and the past nine years of the Trump era have elevated political lies into an artform. These a-holes convinced millions of people that Hillary Clinton was operating a pedophile ring out of a pizza place in Virginia.
As long as Trump is telling people at rallies that Democrats want to abort babies after they are born, I'm not going to feel bad about the couchfucker joke.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 8:47 AM on August 8 [19 favorites]
As long as Trump is telling people at rallies that Democrats want to abort babies after they are born, I'm not going to feel bad about the couchfucker joke.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 8:47 AM on August 8 [19 favorites]
He may not have written about it in his book, but let's be honest -- the joke worked because it is probably true.
posted by spilon at 9:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
posted by spilon at 9:00 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
It wouldn't seem as wrong if he'd just been a little more discerning. Can almost respect a man who Satisfies a settee or Comes on a chesterfield. Hell, I'd even look the other way if he'd Been had by a chaise longue. But Fucking a couch? GTFO!
posted by dobbs at 10:30 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
posted by dobbs at 10:30 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
Dems need to hire Wet Left to play "Chaise Longue" at an event.
On the chaise longueposted by DirtyOldTown at 10:35 AM on August 8 [13 favorites]
On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
All day long, on the chaise longue
The more I get the better it is
I like it fine, like a little whiz
Treat 'em like sofas, that's a fact
You know the chaise is better than the catch
posted by house-goblin at 10:45 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
I like it fine, like a little whiz
Treat 'em like sofas, that's a fact
You know the chaise is better than the catch
posted by house-goblin at 10:45 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
*Wet Leg. Goddammit, autocorrect.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:46 AM on August 8 [4 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:46 AM on August 8 [4 favorites]
Chesterfields man, that's what life is all about
I was not myself last night
Lost a fight, my campaign barely running
By a coach I should have beat
And on the news a blow like that is stunning
I finally lost control
And let my roll-arm roll
Upholstery - With my sofa up so close to me
That's supposed to be what my life is all about
Upholstery with my sofa up so close to me
That's supposed to be what my life is all about
posted by house-goblin at 10:56 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
I was not myself last night
Lost a fight, my campaign barely running
By a coach I should have beat
And on the news a blow like that is stunning
I finally lost control
And let my roll-arm roll
Upholstery - With my sofa up so close to me
That's supposed to be what my life is all about
Upholstery with my sofa up so close to me
That's supposed to be what my life is all about
posted by house-goblin at 10:56 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]
All day long, on the chaise longue
Any random sound engineer at a Vance rally could become an instant legend.
posted by joannemerriam at 12:16 PM on August 8 [4 favorites]
Any random sound engineer at a Vance rally could become an instant legend.
posted by joannemerriam at 12:16 PM on August 8 [4 favorites]
If I can call someone (or get called myself) a "mother fucker," with all included parties tacitily understanding there is no accusation of anyone actually fucking his/her mother, then I can confidently wield "couch fucker" whenever I, as an upstanding native speaker of the contemporary American English language, deem appropriate. So, there.
posted by Droll Lord at 1:46 PM on August 8 [11 favorites]
posted by Droll Lord at 1:46 PM on August 8 [11 favorites]
Dems need to hire Wet Left to play "Chaise Longue" at an event.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:35 AM on August 8 [6 favorites +] [⚑]
I think the Left is very Wet right now.
posted by Kibbutz at 2:16 PM on August 8 [2 favorites]
Powerful North Dakota Republican Admits To Traveling To Pay For Sex With Minor
In the plea agreement, Holmberg acknowledged that from around June 2011 to November 2016, he “repeatedly traveled from Grand Forks, North Dakota to Prague, Czech Republic with a motivating purpose of engaging in commercial sex with adolescent-age individuals under the age of 18 years.”...
The factors in Holmberg’s case make it arguably the most significant political scandal in North Dakota history, Purdon said.
“You have a very high-profile politician. You have literally the worst allegation you possibly could come up with, the sexual abuse and rape of a child,” he said. “And then you have the idea that tax dollars paid for the plane ticket.”
This is who Republicans are. Couch fucking is the least of it.
posted by medusa at 2:41 PM on August 8 [14 favorites]
In the plea agreement, Holmberg acknowledged that from around June 2011 to November 2016, he “repeatedly traveled from Grand Forks, North Dakota to Prague, Czech Republic with a motivating purpose of engaging in commercial sex with adolescent-age individuals under the age of 18 years.”...
The factors in Holmberg’s case make it arguably the most significant political scandal in North Dakota history, Purdon said.
“You have a very high-profile politician. You have literally the worst allegation you possibly could come up with, the sexual abuse and rape of a child,” he said. “And then you have the idea that tax dollars paid for the plane ticket.”
This is who Republicans are. Couch fucking is the least of it.
posted by medusa at 2:41 PM on August 8 [14 favorites]
I just saw someone refer to Vance as “Vladimir Futon.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:20 PM on August 8 [17 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:20 PM on August 8 [17 favorites]
One Joke to burst his spell,
One Joke to grind him,
One Joke to brand them all,
And with our laughter break them.
posted by house-goblin at 4:24 PM on August 8 [7 favorites]
One Joke to grind him,
One Joke to brand them all,
And with our laughter break them.
posted by house-goblin at 4:24 PM on August 8 [7 favorites]
I believe I can comfortably distinguish between an untruth (a) intended to be understood as truth as far as possible (b) designed to smear someone by association either with something widely understood as vile or dishonorable, or something that is vile or dishonorable only in the minds of bigots...and one (c) intended to be understood as a joke (d) which purports to describe an embarrassing but harmless and entirely legal activity. (That it effectively conveys an underlying intuition that someone so obsessively concerned with controlling the genitals of others probably has some odd preferences or practices with respect to his own makes it a good joke, but is orthogonal to whether it's ethical to make it.)
I don't need to invoke any emergency exception to the rules of civility here, either! Just some basic rhetorical skills! Their aims and values are quite different! (But if you need to, maybe look at the post just before this one, in which progressives are literally being described as "unhumans," and consider.)
posted by praemunire at 5:27 PM on August 8 [8 favorites]
I don't need to invoke any emergency exception to the rules of civility here, either! Just some basic rhetorical skills! Their aims and values are quite different! (But if you need to, maybe look at the post just before this one, in which progressives are literally being described as "unhumans," and consider.)
posted by praemunire at 5:27 PM on August 8 [8 favorites]
More wishcasting, would love it if Tim Heidecker played JD Vance on SNL.
posted by ishmael at 6:12 PM on August 8 [2 favorites]
posted by ishmael at 6:12 PM on August 8 [2 favorites]
I don't know anything about the British politicians and the pig head thing. That is very new to me and I am NOT going to google that. I don't need to know more.
Bonehead's comment is something I've been thinking about, too. Ginger and Boots are degens from upcountry. But this story becomes part of their lore, and it makes sense in their context. Degens in general have a vastly different worldview than I.
Some of my AMAB friends and I talked about the couch thing. It is definitely not out of the realm of possibility that something like that happened in more than one of our pasts. It's definitely NOT weird.
Put these things together and I feel like you get to the ?first? episode of Black Mirror? Where the British PM has to do things so a princess doesn't get killed or something?
These people have been cosplaying and LARPing and IRL insurrecting. Some dude from NC went and TRIED TO SHOOT UP A PIZZA PLACE. They show up to voting places armed to the teeth. Look at the quotes from that Psobiec book/thread. It's the accusation/confession thing, it requires mental gymnastics... It's just so weird.
A GREAT IDEA: you know how they make porn versions of regular movies (or at least that's a trope..)? Hillbilly Elegy (you think of the clever name) BUT IT'S PORN. And with couches. As if it was written by degens from that other Weltanschauung.
posted by Snowishberlin at 9:26 AM on August 9 [2 favorites]
Bonehead's comment is something I've been thinking about, too. Ginger and Boots are degens from upcountry. But this story becomes part of their lore, and it makes sense in their context. Degens in general have a vastly different worldview than I.
Some of my AMAB friends and I talked about the couch thing. It is definitely not out of the realm of possibility that something like that happened in more than one of our pasts. It's definitely NOT weird.
Put these things together and I feel like you get to the ?first? episode of Black Mirror? Where the British PM has to do things so a princess doesn't get killed or something?
These people have been cosplaying and LARPing and IRL insurrecting. Some dude from NC went and TRIED TO SHOOT UP A PIZZA PLACE. They show up to voting places armed to the teeth. Look at the quotes from that Psobiec book/thread. It's the accusation/confession thing, it requires mental gymnastics... It's just so weird.
A GREAT IDEA: you know how they make porn versions of regular movies (or at least that's a trope..)? Hillbilly Elegy (you think of the clever name) BUT IT'S PORN. And with couches. As if it was written by degens from that other Weltanschauung.
posted by Snowishberlin at 9:26 AM on August 9 [2 favorites]
It must be terrifying for JD Vance to be married to someone who could turn Black at any moment.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:04 PM on August 9 [3 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 4:04 PM on August 9 [3 favorites]
Hey guys what if we hurt the fascist's feelings
You know, the people who want to exterminate everyone else
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:05 PM on August 9 [2 favorites]
You know, the people who want to exterminate everyone else
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:05 PM on August 9 [2 favorites]
« Older leftists..."progressives"...we will call them the... | Thousands of frog eggs being released into... Newer »
posted by NoMich at 3:19 PM on August 7 [19 favorites]